Good Advice.

The best advice I've ever heard given was from Gavin MacGregor. He wisely stated, "Do what you've gotta do, and make sure it gets done". I really feel like life is better when you take this advice to heart. Here are some historical events involving people who did what they had to do, and got it done.

Some guy in a cool suit showing the Moon it can't stare at us all the time without us flying up there and shoving a flag in its face.

Black children forced to go to school with snotty white brats.

Lab coat man cures Polio and destroys the evil crutches and iron lung industries.

This Pizza.

A great man.

The main reason I don't like zombie movies is all the gore. Especially the Al Gore.

What do you call it when Al Gore dances?.......... Algorithm (Al Gore Rhythm)

What do you call a fear of being in open spaces with Al Gore?.........Algoraphobia

Those are some of my Al Gore jokes. I just felt like they should be published for posterity's sake.

We just went and saw the new Night at the Museum movie at the dollar theater. It was surprisingly awesome. You know when something is funny, but then it goes on too long and it's not funny anymore, but then it keeps going and it's funny again, and then at the end of the movie they do the same gag again, but with Hank Azaria, and it starts to get old, but then it's over and you wish it didn't stop? That happened. Minds were blown.

Home Alone - Day 8 - Ambiguity

It's been over a week now and I think I've been holding up just fine.



Sockman's so silly. We don't even have the same prescription. Psh.


At work we've been having problems with the ambiguity of the english language. The particular problem we face is the term "biweekly". My good friends Merriam and Webster can't seem to agree on the subject. Merriam says that it means occurring twice a week, and Webster says it means occurring every two weeks. Come on Merriam-Webster! You're supposed to be a united front! Can context clues help us decide which definition someone is using? Let's see.

"Okay, listen up, it's extremely important that you take this medication biweekly. No more and no less."
"You have a choice of weekly beatings or biweekly beatings, which do you want?

What gives?! We have to do something about this. I have always believed biweekly to mean every two weeks, but when that assumption was challenged and Merriam-Webster let me down, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE! Here are our options.

1. Use the terms twice weekly, and every two weeks exclusively
2. Use biweekly to mean twice a week and use fortnightly to mean every two weeks
3. Use the terms biweekly, homoweekly, and heteroweekly in whatever way we see fit
4. Use either 26 or 104 times yearly.

Whatever we do, we need a consensus!

Home Alone - Day 3 - Itchin' for the Kitchen

After getting the oil changed today I took a drive to my neighborhood Savers where I became the proud owner/operator of four small mugs. I took them home and made some mug cakes (Fig 1), but when I made a phone call to have someone come help me eat them, I got an answering machine. That made me sad (Fig 1).



Then I realized that reducing the number of consumers reduces the scarcity and to my joy I discovered that while the law of diminishing marginal returns applies to 5 Buck Pizza, it does not apply to mug cakes (Fig 2)



I had leftover batter, so I put it in some random container and baked it. I didn't grease the container and when I tried to remove the delicious cake, it crumbled into a huge mess. I'm sure I'm not the only victim of crumbly cake. Here's what you do when that happens. Take the part of the cake that didn't crumble and go ahead and rip it apart until you have pile of crumbs. Then smash them all into a heart shaped cookie cutter. Add heart shaped sprinkles and drizzle on some chocolate sauce. Then present it to your sweetheart. If your sweetheart happens to be in California, then blog about it and let her know how delicious it was after you ate it instead. This is for you Becca! (Fig. 3) It was really good!

Home Alone - Day 2

Monday night I got back from L.A. It was a lot of fun. I can't even begin to give an account of everything we did. Things that come immediately to mind are, going to the beach and playing in the waves, eating corn, staying in a really nice hotel with delicious breakfasts, a ton of meat cooked just the way I like it at Uncle David's, and an easy and painless trip home. Becca is still in California and will be there for quite a while. I don't know how long. I guess she'll call me so I can pick her up from the airport. I'll try to keep an account of what I'm doing to keep my sanity while she's away.

Yesterday I went to work, hung out at DI, got our windshield replaced, vacuumed the car twice, ate at Del Taco with CB, Cannon, and Alan, and talked to Becca on the phone.

Today I went to work, put air in the tires, paid some bills, and now I've been trying to watch a movie on Netflix, but the internet is too slow. Sometimes I dream about a magical place where after 15 years of perfecting the internet, it can actually go fast enough to download a decent Kevin Costner movie. That's just a dream. I thought I was lowering my standards too much when my dreams fell from flying cars to decent internet, but apparently I didn't lower them enough. Now I'd settle for an oven that actually is the temperature you set it to.

See Below

I came home today and Becca was watching Firefly with a friend and the apartment was spotless. Of course I immediately plopped my bag on the kitchen table and proceeded to make a mess, but it was really nice of Becca to give me a clean canvas to make my mess on. Here's to wives and all they put up with. Later we went to Council Bluffs and Emily's to work on our entertainment center. They came out and hung out with us before they went to FHE. Emily helped paint, and CB removed rocks from his lawn so that it will one day be a more comfortable place for Alan to practice hand stands. After that was the highlight of the day - TACO BELL! It's delicious. Here's a picture of our dinner companion.



He was a little yippy and went to the bathroom on the floor, but when he spoke, we lost ourselves in his wisdom and culinary prowess. He taught us the way of the double beef and cheese burrito, the triple layer nachos, the burrito (hold the onion), and the chicken burrito.

Now I'm blogging and Becca is reading. Our stomachs and souls are content. I bet that if I smiled at her right now she would smile back, or throw something at me, but one of those two things. Here we go....she smiled, and called me crazy. I was so right.

New computer.

So I'm blogging from our new computer. It is not a laptop. It is in fact an iMac. I have become used to laptops and would like to put this iMac in my lap however, I cannot. What I CAN do is leave the computer on my desk, take the wireless keyboard, sit in bed, and type away. I can't always be sure that I'm spelling everything correctly since I can't see the screen very well, but spellcheck will help me out a lot.

In answer to you question, "What the hobo are you doing getting a Mac, Kyle?" I'm giving it a shot. Macs have come a long way from the ones I knew in middle school. So far, there are things I like and things that I'm not really comfortable with. It might take some time for me to warm up to it. I like how simple and uncluttered it is. Windows always comes with a ton of junk that no one wants or needs. AOL? Really? Why the Macarena would I want AOL to come installed on my computer? Now that I have excused myself for owning a Mac, we can all get on with our lives.

ButtBook

Some ideas just aren't good. Most of them are mine. Some examples:

1. Wearing shredded jeans, a corduroy jacket covered in buttons and a propeller beanie to middle school.

2. Challenging the intelligence of a would be mugger.

3. Buying a guitar with the sole purpose of painting it blue and smashing it against a brick wall. (It was a small guitar)

Those may be bad ideas, but they are bad ideas that I'm not so secretly proud of.

I just got back from watching 17 Again. It was the best movie ever made, but that's beside the point. Here's the thing. This idea has been made into approximately a million movies and I've seen them all, but here's the thing. Here's the point. This time I felt closer to Matthew Perry than I did Zac Efron. I guess technically I'm closer to 17 than I am to 40, but I feel like I saw the same old story of being thrown back into high school but from a new perspective. I think I'll post an age progression of what I will look like when I'm 40. Here it is.




And here is an age regression of what I will look like when I'm 40 and fall into a magical vortex that makes me 17 again.

I almost choked.

So, I was just sitting at my computer thinking about stuff. While thinking about stuff I had my ring in my mouth. My wedding ring. I had it in my mouth and then the title of this post happened.

One time I was in a hurry to go to class, but also starving. I made a sandwich and started to go up the south stairs while eating. I got tired and started breathing heavily as I tried to eat the sandwich. Then the title of this post happened.

Several years ago at the Olive Garden, I was eating some delicious fried mozzarella sticks. I took a bite and swallowed with out completely biting through the cheese. I had a thick string of cheese traveling from my stomach, past my throat, and into my hand where the rest of the mozzarella stick remained. The title of this post happened.

I'm really sorry about this. I should have known that it isn't a good idea to blog for the sake of blogging. To make up for it, here is a link to sign up for a newsletter and get two dairy queen blizzards for the price of one. Free Blizzard!

I KNEW it!

May 5th 2005 I predicted on this very blog that there would be a swine flu. I was sooooo RIGHT! I'm not worried about this whole pig disease though. I'm not a pig, so what do I have to worry about? Seriously though, this outbreak is pretty pathetic. According to the CDC, about 36,000 Americans die from the normal flu every year. That's an average of about 100 people a day. This swine flu had been in America for at least 4 days and no one here has died. At least four hundred people should be dead for this to even be an average flu. Frankly, with zero fatalities, it doesn't even deserve to be called the flu. The point I'm getting to is that this is a cover up. Something else big is going on that "they" don't want us to know about. I just took a look at fox news to find out what other stories might be buried by this scare. I believe it's the fact that "Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls via a surrogate". That's big news! And the government doesn't want you to know.

Why?

Why am I blogging right now when I should be doing push ups? The answer is that push ups make my tired while blogging does not. I need to get over that. I'm going to do 40 push ups and then come back.

(40 push ups later)

That's better. I'll be going to bed pretty soon. I'm working from 6 to 5 for the next couple of weeks because a coworker is out of town. That means I'll be raking in some savory overtime pay. Today I was thinking about the techniques I use to get through a long work day.

1. Take a LATE lunch. I go in at 6 in the morning and don't take a break until 1 in the afternoon. Post lunch hours are always the worst! So minimizing the number of those hours is a good idea.

2. Keep a running tab of how much your bank account is increasing after every hour. The only time this hasn't worked for me was when I was working on commission and no one was buying. It was depressing to think, "There goes another hour, and I'm not a dime richer."

3. Don't look at the clock. Clocks were invented by Satan's Girl Scout leader. They don't just keep track of what the time is, they keep track of how slowly time is going. If you want to think about what time it is, you should grossly underestimate. That way, when you look at the clock you have a pleasant surprise.

4. Count stuff. This was a technique I used at Dillards. I counted all the ceiling tiles in my department. I would empty boxes of pins and then count them. I'd also get some wax paper and go over all the bars that hangers go on so that they don't squeak when you slide them. That doesn't really have anything to do with counting and therefore does not belong in this paragraph. I invite you to mentally move it to a more appropriate section of this post.

5. Listen to music. That's of course if your workplace allows it. Mine doesn't. Nazis.

Time for sleep.

Controversy

I'm usually not so controversial on my blog, but I just have to say that THIS is wrong. They should NOT be allowed to marry. It's not natural. Sure, let them do whatever they want, but we shouldn't call it marriage. It's sickening. That's not even the worst thing going on in the world. THIS is also happening! What the freak? What's happening to this country? I'm pretty sure the Bible is pretty clear on this subject.

But wait! I just found something even worse than both of these abominations! THIS is the most putrid disgusting thing anyone could ever witness. It makes a mockery of everything sacred about marriage. I don't even recognize the world I live in. This must truly be the end of days. Oh, wait, they're not married are they? I think they said they wouldn't get married until gay marriage was legal everywhere. We can't let that happen. This unholy union must not take place. Yes to Prop 8!

Looks a lot like Christmas

Snow in April is like a frown on a Wal-mart greeter. It's like a tattoo of a motorcycle riding pig on an Amish milk maid. It's like a liberal on BYU campus. It's like paying seven bucks for a Five Buck pizza. It's like the Backstreet Boys in my CD player. It's just not natural. It shouldn't be. Of course it ALWAYS snows in April and it will probably snow in May, but just because it IS doesn't mean it should be.

Tomorrow is Friday. I live for the weekend. Ever since I beat school, the weekends have been pretty care free. I used to have to study or work on a project or do homework or not do any of those things but feel stressed about the fact that I'm not doing them. Now I can clock out of work Friday afternoon and not think about work again until Monday morning. It's awesome! If any of you are worried about graduating and entering the "real" world, DON'T! It's freaking amazing! Sure, getting an education is great and all, but not having to go to school is a wonderful feeling. Here's to the class of '09. Cheers.

Ms. Issippi

If you want to win a state beauty pageant, let it be Mississippi. You can't miss the reason why. Today was Becca's last day of classes! The thing I miss the least about school is getting to class, sitting down and seeing everyone start passing up some assignment that I had never seen. What?! Did I MISS something? That's a horrible feeling. I also won't miss trying to get a schedule that actually makes sense, instead of having four hour gaps in which I go home, eat, watch TV, and decide it's no bid deal if I miss my next class. For those of you who are not familiar with Mississippi. It's the Magnolia State. It's also the one where if you take it and its mirror image and put them back to back, flip it upside down and color it pink it kind of looks like someone skinned a pig and hung it up on their wall.

Asthma

Once upon a time I was in Boy Scouts. While in Boy Scouts I was able to be in the Order of the Arrow. To join the Order of the Arrow I had to go through the "ordeal". I don't remember what was supposed to be the ordeal. Maybe it was working outside all day and only eating some crackers for lunch or something. The real ordeal was that right when I started working, I had an asthma attack and didn't have my inhaler. I didn't tell anyone because I thought this whole Order of the Arrow thing was actually important and I didn't want to look like a wuss. So, I suffered all day and my asthma was always causing me problems. Then at night I woke up and couldn't breathe so I started going from sleeping bag to sleeping bag waking people up and asking them if they had asthma and had an inhaler with them. No one did, so I just got back in my sleeping bag and concentrated on trying to force oxygen through the narrow passage way to my lungs. After not sleeping that night, I got up and worked the next day. Finally, the camp ended, my mom picked me up and took me home, and I was able to take a couple puffs and feel relief. My lungs instantly opened up and I could breathe again. That was probably the happiest moment of my life up to that point.

For old times's sake

When I was in college this video would keep me and my roommates up at night. It was hard to sleep when the world was so awesome.

Do you ever?

Do you ever stare in a mirror and try to dilate your eyes by altering your emotional state?

Do you ever split yourself into different personalities because it's the only way you can find to organize your varying thoughts and feelings?

Do you ever read White Ninja Comics and think "What the crazy?"


Do you ever find meaningless deceit and trickery to be the most fun that can be had?

Do you ever say that someone's timing is a "horrible cake-eater" or call them "silly vats of incoherent lint"?

Do you ever wish you had one of these?



If you answered yes to zero or more of these questions, this is the blog for you. Come back soon and often. Thank you.

Daily Life

I've been neglecting to record my day to day activities. This was today:

Becca's cell phone went off at 6:45 just like every morning. I got up and turned on the heat and went back to bed. The alarm went off again at 7:00 and I got up for good, showered, ate an apple, and wondered if 1:00pm Kyle would be mad at me for only eating an apple. Then I brushed my teeth, dropped Becca off at work, drove to Springville, clocked in at work, and sat down at my computer. I didn't have any emails, so I read some results from the day before and cleaned up a bit. Paola asked me to look into equipment to do some testing for anaerobic bacteria so I looked into it for a while and saw a few different things ranging from 15,000 dollars to 600 dollars. I decided that I'll have to talk to her and figure out how fancy we want to get before I research any further. Then I set up some samples and started to get mad a 7:30am Kyle for only eating an apple. That jerk. I eventually went to lunch. I ate a ham sandwich and questioned the existence of the world. After lunch I set up more samples, did some data entry, and then went home. Becca was almost finished with a delicious chicken scallopine dinner. 5:15 Kyle was very grateful for 5:15 Becca. In fact, 9:00PM Kyle is grateful for 5:15 Becca even though he has never met her. All he knows is that there's a good feeling in his insides and 5:15 Becca is responsible for it.

Is there a funnier word?

Poop. That's right. I said it. Nothing is taboo for me. The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader is full of it (poop). Some of my favorite paragraphs are when there is some kind of danger and they all run up to the poop, or dance on the poop, or clean the poop, or even the time when a giant sea serpent almost squeezes the poop. THAT is classic comedy and I am forever grateful to the genius of C.S. Lewis. Becca has been sick for almost a week now. It's no fun for her and she has a ton of work to get done before the end of the semester, but after that, it's all over! We will do nothing but have fun for the rest of our lives! Here's the plan for after Becca graduates. I haven't discussed it with her yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine with it. First, we'll be homeless for a while. Everyone will be homeless at some point in their life, so we'll get it over with in the beginning so that we can appreciate being homeful later on. We'll save up money from our amateur ventriloquist/sword swallowing act we do on the streets and then spend it on tattoos. Hopefully we will get the Guiness World Record for most tattooed homeless couple and then get the world record for the most extensive laser tattoo removal performed on a homeless couple. Our fame will earn us enough money to buy a 1996 Geo Metro and some gas, so we'll drive to California and I'll find a job as a Micro/Molecular Biologist and we'll rent for a while and then we'll have some kids and buy a house and shock our neighbors with our incredible homeless/ventriloquist/sword swallowing/tattooing/untattooing/record winning story.

Shopping Spree

We've been doing a good job at reaching our savings goals. I'm proud of us. If we spent all of our money, we could buy one of the following items from the classifieds.





When we got married ten and a half months ago I had just paid off my debt and we had $ 0.00 Now we could have $0.00 and a HORSE! That is so awesome! I could ride my horse to work and tie it to a lamp post in the parking lot! Me and Becca could ride it to the dollar theater and then go feed it some grass, or peanut butter! That motorcycle would be pretty cool too.

Random Quote,Picture

The story behind this picture is that I searched, "random picture", and then "random quote". I was hoping to get something funny. What I got was something that actually made me a little sad. At least I know that the baby will grow up in a world where keyboards are more ergonomic, and the entire series of Seinfeld can be purchased on DVD.

Here is a truth.

Boys always want to impress girls with how loud they can burp, but no boy wants a girl who is impressed with how loud he can burp.

Here is a lie.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

I just went and depressed myself again. I shouldn't be though. Becca isn't impressed with how loud I can burp (and believe me it's really loud) and I have never set my mind to do anything.

On Location

Today I'm blogging on location...in my apartment. So, I cut my finger a while back. It hurt, but Becca was there to hold my hand (my other hand, not the bloody one). The experience taught me ten important life lessons.

1. Never cut your finger
2. If you do, never go to the emergency room.
3. If you do, watch TV while on the hospital bed.
4. Go to Outback after getting stitches.
5. If you do, Never get a burger
6. Get a steak.
7. Never get stitches on Friday the 13th
8. If you do, get 13 stitches
9. Don't get 12 stitches
10. Pay extra for that 13th stitch.

I started my 401K at work today. I chose for all my money to be invested in Sherwin-Williams, because lets face it. Their logo really knows how to stick it to two of my least favorite people: Environmentalists and Non-Imperialists.

2.5 Things about me.

1. I have never read any one's "25 things about me" list.

2. It's only because no one has ever tagged me in one.

3. People think I'm not cool enough. Well, everyone will feel pretty foolish on March 4, 2010 when I...

I hope you enjoyed my 2.5 things. If you would like to subscribe to my newsletter "Things about Kyle : Short Lists for the Listless" please tell me a way that I could make money by getting subscribers to a newsletter and what I should include in such a newsletter.

Valentine's Day

Wow, I can't believe I have been blogging long enough for this to be my 4th Valentine's Day post. This time I got to spend it with my wife. We had a very cultural day. When I say cultural, I mean we got to explore a culture that neither of us was very familiar with. It's a culture of tattoos on men, women, and children. It's a culture of cigarette smoke, beer, and saturated fat. It's a culture of dirt, exhaust, and deafening noise. It's the culture of Monster Trucks. We were very moved by the experience. I think I cried a little.

There's this girl I know who's really awesome. If it weren't for her I would probably never do anything. I would just sit and stare at a wall until the second coming, or a Charles in Charge reunion movie. She's an amazing friend to me and a lot of other people. More importantly, she's an amazing enemy to all of my enemies. (That's right Calista Flockhart, you'd better watch your back) People can count on her. I've only known her for a little over two years, but it's hard to believe that anything existed before her. I love to see her laugh. I wish I could record a video of her laughing, put it on repeat, and play it on some futuristic contact lenses all day, and when anyone asked me why I was so happy to see them, I'd simply reply, "It has nothing to do with you, someone else is making me happy". This girl managed to take the ashes of my self-esteem, reconstitute them into living matter, piece together the broken fragments, smooth all the rough edges, and shine it up like a brand spankin' new monster truck. Plus, as time goes on, and life gets to me, she's always there to apply a new coat of wax. She puts up with my ridiculous metaphors and similes like a hyrax puts up with its closest living relative, the elephant. Her initials were RKA, but now they're RKV. She got married around the same time I did. Her husband is an okay guy, but I like being around him a lot more when she's there. I love her.

Wow I'm starving and need to eat something STAT. By the way, just to remove doubt from anyone's mind, I was talking about Becca.

Korean

Here is an English phrase.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Here is the same phrase translated to Korean and back into English.
How many which lick where does many this it; In order to get in the justice center has and goes; Tootsie lists Pop?

Here is the resulting phrase run though the translation a second time.
Do many this in it where, how many which licks probably is many; Is having and that gets from the process center, goes; Do Tootsie rosters break?

A third time.
The many thing stamp how many is many, is many and probably and this from it which licks in the place; Is having and it goes and from the processing center, gets; Do Tootsie rosters cut off?

Lost in Translation - A poem by Kyle

For which thing which lick to be many,
from place how many is many,
and is, the thing stamp which is many,
the many thing and probably and is this from it;
Is having and it gets
and from the processing center, goes;
Tootsie rosters which are intercepted?

Critical Thinking Exercise 1

In school, teachers would assign the exercises at the end of the chapters. I always loved to hear the words, "Go ahead and skip the critical thinking exercises." Now I want to go back and complete the exercises I skipped; starting with elementary school.

Directions: For each number, explain what the words have in common.

1. California, New York, Mississippi
Nothing. They're not even in the same state. duh...

2. Pizza, French fries, Cheeseburger
They all played a part in killing John Candy.

3. Rose, Daffodil, Carnation
Girls who would have dumped me had I dated them.

4. Washington, Lincoln, Clinton
The -un sound.

5. Red, Blue, Purple
The personality types of my closest friends, and the color purple.

6. Radio, Telephone, CD player
Things I could steal and sell at Jumping Jack Cash pawn shop.

7. Milk, Juice, Soda pop
Things that should only be mixed and consumed when in desperate need of getting a girl's attention in the lunch room.

8. Basketball, Football, Soccer
Things I've always been ashamed of not being good at, but that I am still forced to do in school. The principal causes of embarrassment, trauma, and depression.

9. Newspaper, Book, Magazine
Things that are inferior to Wikipedia, no matter what every BYU english teacher says.

10. Cow, Pig, Horse
Lieutenants in His Majesty's Royal Navy

Beauty

This post is dedicated to some of Nature's more beautiful creations.

The Giant Chinese Salamander


The Star-nosed Mole


The Blobfish


The Slimy Hagfish


The Hairy Angler


The Angelina Jolie

Insight

I hear that Whitney is back from the cold cold land of mother Russia! That would be great, but I don't believe that she's really back. You see, bitofwhit hasn't been updated. If AAAAhhhhhwwwwhit were really back, she would update bitofwhit.

Here's some insight into how my mind works. I always buckle my seat belt. For example, if I'm driving back from Smith's which is two blocks away I'll think, "maybe I won't buckle my seatbelt", but then I always do. Here's the reason. It would be really embarrassing to get in a car accident and die because I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The thought of some news woman putting on a serious face and saying, "A 24 year-old was killed in an automotive accident this Saturday night on his way home from buying hemorrhoid cream. The driver was not wearing his seatbelt" makes me cringe.

Short

I'm blogging from our new wii. It takes a long time, so I will only write that which is most important for the future of the human race. MEATLOAF ROCKS!!! Wow I kind of feel like Nephi.

To Defend My Honor

Becca's picture of our tree made it look tiny! It's not that small. Really. Here's a picture of us standing in front of it. You can clearly see that when put in the proper perspective, it's really a great tree. Here's to you Charlie Brown.

Wordy Water Way Wacky

A co-worker brought this in to work yesterday. It's a real advertisement from a real magazine. Believe me. This is not your ordinary hoody.

Wow. Those are some interesting facts. I mean, of course I knew that the intent of words can change the structure of water. That's basic chemistry/linguistics, but there is no way that we are 70% water. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's amazing what kind of stuff people will make up to earn a buck (in this case 79 bucks). Why don't they just market mugs with positive words written on them? That would make more sense. There's no reason to lie about the make up of the human body. It made them lose all credibility. If I end up buying these for every single friend and family member, It will be because of the giant DNA molocule eating Earth, and not the words printed on the inside, that's for dang sure.

I WIN

There was an election tonight, and it turns out that I won. I would like to thank everyone who voted. I will do my best to not destroy this country. In the next four years I plan to employ a strict program of eugenics. Give me four years of complete submission and I will make Americans stronger, taller, faster, and less diverse. For the economy, I will pay off all our debt. That's something I like to do. First, I'll sell California and New York to the Japanese. That should make some money. Don't worry. I don't want to lose California or New York permanently. We're going to play a little "Trojan horse" game on the Japanese. After we sell it, Californians and New Yorkers will simply revolt. Become their own countries for a few months, and then decide to join the union again. A union with no debt and a robot senate. What about abortion? Well, I say we let the babies decide. We should raise the "to be aborted" baby to the age of 18 and then let it choose if it should be aborted or not. That's fair isn't it? Illegal immigration? Let's just make all immigration legal! Then it won't be a problem. What should we do about Iraq? We'll ignore it. People are bored with it. I also propose we change the flag. Here's what it will now look like. 

It's a frog fighting a snake. I'd salute that. And you will too. 

CB's Ex

I didn't know Council Bluffs's old flame was still in town. Emily had better keep a close eye on him.

Lightning Strikes the Brittle Vein in the Forehead of my Mind

Kyle here, just sitting on the couch watching School of Rock and remembering the time I rented it and took it to Idaho with Lashley and Tania in search of the elusive Civil Defense Caves, tore up my car, had a lot of fun, ran around on a sand dune, had a lot of fun, and drove home while Lashley and Tania watched School of Rock in the back seat. I take credit for their future together. I wonder what they're up to? 

I saw the car of Council Bluffs's old girlfriend today. Picture to be posted soon. 

Also, it's Becca's birthday month! If you see her wish her a happy birthday. It's also my Mom's birthday month! If you see her wish her a happy birthday too. If you see me, don't wish me a happy birthday. You see it's not my birthday month. You see how that goes? I don't know what I'm talking about. 

Tip of the Day - Optimism

Optimism is all about seeing the good in every situation. For example, let's say someone insults the cut of your jib and get's up in your grill every time you see them. Look on the bright side! One day they will be dead and no one will miss them! Let's say you fail an important math exam. Look on the bright side! Seinfeld is probably on! Actually, that's the silver lining in every cloud. 

"I'm sorry, you are terminally ill and only have one month to live....and your dog likes Gilmore Girls"

"Does Seinfeld still exist?"

"Yes"

"Great!"

Large Hobo

Alan owes me a new pair of pants, because a receipt of his made me wet mine. What is a large hobo? I found this image online. It's only one number off the number on his receipt. Hmmm...Sinister. His hobo must have been one of another color. 

After further investigation, I discovered that this must be the large hobo he was talking about. That thing will pay for itself in no time at all. 

Tip of the Day - Teamwork

Teamwork is the art of making people do things for you and making them feel guilty if they don't. I'm not a fan of teamwork because I'm usually the one who is teamworked and not the one teamworking. If anyone ever approaches you with a proposition of teamwork you need to ask them a question followed by a répondre toujours The question is, Whose team? No matter what answer they give, tell them to take their communist propaganda and socioeconomize it with their communal hammer and sickle.

Bear Grylls, Expensive Cars, etc...

Tonight will be a relaxing evening at home with my wife. Becca isn't feeling well, so rest and plenty of fluids will be our nightlife. She's sitting right next to me reading a book about Bear Grylls that I gave her for her Birthday last year. Becca, what's your favorite thing about Bear Grylls? "He has a nephew named Mungo". I think her true favorite thing is the way he drinks his own urine, or compares the color of his urine to the color of his friend's urine. Tonight we also need to clean the house so that Christy never knows how messy our apartment usually is. In it's current state I doubt that Bear Grylls himself could make it from the door to the kitchen. And if he did, he'd have to drink his own urine on the way. 

I'm introducing a new feature on my blog. It's the Tip of the Day. The Tip of the Day doesn't represent the views or opinions of this blogger or his followers. It's meant to be either satirical, sarcastic, silly, or just plain stupid. I love playing devil's advocate. I'd make it a career, but the devil doesn't offer a good 401K. And he doesn't have any scruples. I just can't respect an unholy demon bent on the destruction and captivity of our souls that doesn't have any scruples. 

Tip of the Day - Family Finance

The only way to have enough money to pay for your children's college education is to not have any kids. Is this extreme? Maybe it's possible to do it by just having one less kid. First, decide how many children you want and then have one less. Let's say that number is four for the sake of this tip. It costs about 736,000 dollars to raise four children in a middle class home in the United Stated. If you only have three, you save 184,000 dollars! That leaves you with more than 60,000 dollars per kid. That will pay for a top of the line education. If you're really good at family finance, you won't have a family at all. With that 736,000 dollar "no kid bonus", you could buy this LeBlanc Mirabeau and enough gas to run it for twenty years.

It's a two-seater, which is great. Enough room for you and your groceries on your way back to your lonely apartment so you can eat two and a half bags of Doritos and then lick the processed cheese powder off your fingers while watching Cheaper by the Dozen. 

Jerry-man-der-ring

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Bungee-y!!!!!!








I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Camera-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Bird-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Creep-y!!!!!!

Tied for first place in the greatest sister-in-law competition is Katy Anderson. She gave me a telescopic spy mirror and some bungee cords. Eternal gold medalist in the greatest wife competition, Becca Vaughn, has a great eye for things that I will think are the cat's meow. You should see the cuff links she got me. Yowsers! They rock. She is back in school and loving every minute of it. I'm excited to vicariously learn some Welsh through her. Here is an acrostic describing my adorable wife.

Bear Grylls Enthusiast
Empathetic
Caring
Capri Sun
Arsonist-NOT

Venerable
All That and a Bag of Chips
Uber Classy
Great
Heart of Gold
Norse God of Wisdom...Pretty much

It Needs a Name

What is this? It's the best picture I've ever drawn. It's a picture of the moon escaping backwards from a lasso happy pair of legs with a head and a cowboy hat stuck on somehow. All it needs is a good title. If you want to post a suggestion I would greatly appreciate it. You can also think of something funny and just laugh to yourself without ever telling anyone. I would greatly appreciate that too. Or you can spit at your computer screen in disgust. I wouldn't appreciate it. Your computer wouldn't appreciate it. But you might, so hey. 

I used to feel like that moon. Other times I'd feel like the cowboy, or the lasso. I'm happy to say that at this moment and as of late, I don't feel like anything in this drawing (with the exception of the color teal). I'm pretty happy. I'm not chasing anything. I'm not being chased by anything. I'm not being used by a torso-less cowboy. I'm actually pretty happy. I'm just enjoying life, hanging out with my wife, avoiding strife, sharpening a knife*, and thinking about Chuck Fife. We're out of debt now which feels pretty nice, so now we're saving up for the future. What does the future hold for us? Well, I visited the future* and I didn't like how things were, so I've been working to change them. The problem is that once you change the future you're back at square one and you don't know how anything is going to turn out again. Time travel isn't nearly as glamorous as Bill and Ted make it seem. 

I'm excited for school to start because I'll get to savor the fact that I won't be there. It's too bad that Becca has to go. I'm sorry Becca. It'll be over soon. I promise. 

* Bold-faced Lie

Do you hereby covenant?

I, Kyle, do hereby swear by the honor and livelihood of my chiropractor that I will blog at the very least once a week from this day forward. 

Now that's out of the way, you may be asking yourself why it has been so long since I've blogged. Was I abducted by aliens again? No. Was I on a mission again? No. Was I out declaring my mantra "You madmen! Stop feeding those salamanders!..." to the world? No. Was I just lazy? Yes. I was too lazy to blog. Luckily I've discovered a wonderful chemical that kicked me in the taste buds and dragged me to the computer, held a carboxyl group to my head, and told me to blog. This chemical is none other than the well known yet misunderstood CITRIC ACID. 

I came across a bag of the good stuff and tried making some super sour lemonade, but unfortunately the lemonade became saturated and it was pretty sour, but not what I was expecting, so I took a pinch of pure unadulterated Citric Acid and placed it on my tongue. Yowzers! That stuff is GOOD! Me and Becca are going to see the Dark Knight again and I think I'll bring along my good friend 2-hydroxypropane-1,2,3-tricarboxylic acid. Who needs sour patch kids?

My hope is that frequent blogging will help me step it up and get more excited about polluting the internet with my life. I just need to renew my love for blogs. I want to go back to the day when blogs were "secret" yet all too public. The days when we would plan doing something outrageous just to see if we would be mentioned in someone's blog for it.