I WIN

There was an election tonight, and it turns out that I won. I would like to thank everyone who voted. I will do my best to not destroy this country. In the next four years I plan to employ a strict program of eugenics. Give me four years of complete submission and I will make Americans stronger, taller, faster, and less diverse. For the economy, I will pay off all our debt. That's something I like to do. First, I'll sell California and New York to the Japanese. That should make some money. Don't worry. I don't want to lose California or New York permanently. We're going to play a little "Trojan horse" game on the Japanese. After we sell it, Californians and New Yorkers will simply revolt. Become their own countries for a few months, and then decide to join the union again. A union with no debt and a robot senate. What about abortion? Well, I say we let the babies decide. We should raise the "to be aborted" baby to the age of 18 and then let it choose if it should be aborted or not. That's fair isn't it? Illegal immigration? Let's just make all immigration legal! Then it won't be a problem. What should we do about Iraq? We'll ignore it. People are bored with it. I also propose we change the flag. Here's what it will now look like. 

It's a frog fighting a snake. I'd salute that. And you will too.