Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I KNEW it!

May 5th 2005 I predicted on this very blog that there would be a swine flu. I was sooooo RIGHT! I'm not worried about this whole pig disease though. I'm not a pig, so what do I have to worry about? Seriously though, this outbreak is pretty pathetic. According to the CDC, about 36,000 Americans die from the normal flu every year. That's an average of about 100 people a day. This swine flu had been in America for at least 4 days and no one here has died. At least four hundred people should be dead for this to even be an average flu. Frankly, with zero fatalities, it doesn't even deserve to be called the flu. The point I'm getting to is that this is a cover up. Something else big is going on that "they" don't want us to know about. I just took a look at fox news to find out what other stories might be buried by this scare. I believe it's the fact that "Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls via a surrogate". That's big news! And the government doesn't want you to know.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Why am I blogging right now when I should be doing push ups? The answer is that push ups make my tired while blogging does not. I need to get over that. I'm going to do 40 push ups and then come back.

(40 push ups later)

That's better. I'll be going to bed pretty soon. I'm working from 6 to 5 for the next couple of weeks because a coworker is out of town. That means I'll be raking in some savory overtime pay. Today I was thinking about the techniques I use to get through a long work day.

1. Take a LATE lunch. I go in at 6 in the morning and don't take a break until 1 in the afternoon. Post lunch hours are always the worst! So minimizing the number of those hours is a good idea.

2. Keep a running tab of how much your bank account is increasing after every hour. The only time this hasn't worked for me was when I was working on commission and no one was buying. It was depressing to think, "There goes another hour, and I'm not a dime richer."

3. Don't look at the clock. Clocks were invented by Satan's Girl Scout leader. They don't just keep track of what the time is, they keep track of how slowly time is going. If you want to think about what time it is, you should grossly underestimate. That way, when you look at the clock you have a pleasant surprise.

4. Count stuff. This was a technique I used at Dillards. I counted all the ceiling tiles in my department. I would empty boxes of pins and then count them. I'd also get some wax paper and go over all the bars that hangers go on so that they don't squeak when you slide them. That doesn't really have anything to do with counting and therefore does not belong in this paragraph. I invite you to mentally move it to a more appropriate section of this post.

5. Listen to music. That's of course if your workplace allows it. Mine doesn't. Nazis.

Time for sleep.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I'm usually not so controversial on my blog, but I just have to say that THIS is wrong. They should NOT be allowed to marry. It's not natural. Sure, let them do whatever they want, but we shouldn't call it marriage. It's sickening. That's not even the worst thing going on in the world. THIS is also happening! What the freak? What's happening to this country? I'm pretty sure the Bible is pretty clear on this subject.

But wait! I just found something even worse than both of these abominations! THIS is the most putrid disgusting thing anyone could ever witness. It makes a mockery of everything sacred about marriage. I don't even recognize the world I live in. This must truly be the end of days. Oh, wait, they're not married are they? I think they said they wouldn't get married until gay marriage was legal everywhere. We can't let that happen. This unholy union must not take place. Yes to Prop 8!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Looks a lot like Christmas

Snow in April is like a frown on a Wal-mart greeter. It's like a tattoo of a motorcycle riding pig on an Amish milk maid. It's like a liberal on BYU campus. It's like paying seven bucks for a Five Buck pizza. It's like the Backstreet Boys in my CD player. It's just not natural. It shouldn't be. Of course it ALWAYS snows in April and it will probably snow in May, but just because it IS doesn't mean it should be.

Tomorrow is Friday. I live for the weekend. Ever since I beat school, the weekends have been pretty care free. I used to have to study or work on a project or do homework or not do any of those things but feel stressed about the fact that I'm not doing them. Now I can clock out of work Friday afternoon and not think about work again until Monday morning. It's awesome! If any of you are worried about graduating and entering the "real" world, DON'T! It's freaking amazing! Sure, getting an education is great and all, but not having to go to school is a wonderful feeling. Here's to the class of '09. Cheers.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Ms. Issippi

If you want to win a state beauty pageant, let it be Mississippi. You can't miss the reason why. Today was Becca's last day of classes! The thing I miss the least about school is getting to class, sitting down and seeing everyone start passing up some assignment that I had never seen. What?! Did I MISS something? That's a horrible feeling. I also won't miss trying to get a schedule that actually makes sense, instead of having four hour gaps in which I go home, eat, watch TV, and decide it's no bid deal if I miss my next class. For those of you who are not familiar with Mississippi. It's the Magnolia State. It's also the one where if you take it and its mirror image and put them back to back, flip it upside down and color it pink it kind of looks like someone skinned a pig and hung it up on their wall.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Once upon a time I was in Boy Scouts. While in Boy Scouts I was able to be in the Order of the Arrow. To join the Order of the Arrow I had to go through the "ordeal". I don't remember what was supposed to be the ordeal. Maybe it was working outside all day and only eating some crackers for lunch or something. The real ordeal was that right when I started working, I had an asthma attack and didn't have my inhaler. I didn't tell anyone because I thought this whole Order of the Arrow thing was actually important and I didn't want to look like a wuss. So, I suffered all day and my asthma was always causing me problems. Then at night I woke up and couldn't breathe so I started going from sleeping bag to sleeping bag waking people up and asking them if they had asthma and had an inhaler with them. No one did, so I just got back in my sleeping bag and concentrated on trying to force oxygen through the narrow passage way to my lungs. After not sleeping that night, I got up and worked the next day. Finally, the camp ended, my mom picked me up and took me home, and I was able to take a couple puffs and feel relief. My lungs instantly opened up and I could breathe again. That was probably the happiest moment of my life up to that point.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

For old times's sake

When I was in college this video would keep me and my roommates up at night. It was hard to sleep when the world was so awesome.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Do you ever?

Do you ever stare in a mirror and try to dilate your eyes by altering your emotional state?

Do you ever split yourself into different personalities because it's the only way you can find to organize your varying thoughts and feelings?

Do you ever read White Ninja Comics and think "What the crazy?"

Do you ever find meaningless deceit and trickery to be the most fun that can be had?

Do you ever say that someone's timing is a "horrible cake-eater" or call them "silly vats of incoherent lint"?

Do you ever wish you had one of these?

If you answered yes to zero or more of these questions, this is the blog for you. Come back soon and often. Thank you.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Daily Life

I've been neglecting to record my day to day activities. This was today:

Becca's cell phone went off at 6:45 just like every morning. I got up and turned on the heat and went back to bed. The alarm went off again at 7:00 and I got up for good, showered, ate an apple, and wondered if 1:00pm Kyle would be mad at me for only eating an apple. Then I brushed my teeth, dropped Becca off at work, drove to Springville, clocked in at work, and sat down at my computer. I didn't have any emails, so I read some results from the day before and cleaned up a bit. Paola asked me to look into equipment to do some testing for anaerobic bacteria so I looked into it for a while and saw a few different things ranging from 15,000 dollars to 600 dollars. I decided that I'll have to talk to her and figure out how fancy we want to get before I research any further. Then I set up some samples and started to get mad a 7:30am Kyle for only eating an apple. That jerk. I eventually went to lunch. I ate a ham sandwich and questioned the existence of the world. After lunch I set up more samples, did some data entry, and then went home. Becca was almost finished with a delicious chicken scallopine dinner. 5:15 Kyle was very grateful for 5:15 Becca. In fact, 9:00PM Kyle is grateful for 5:15 Becca even though he has never met her. All he knows is that there's a good feeling in his insides and 5:15 Becca is responsible for it.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Is there a funnier word?

Poop. That's right. I said it. Nothing is taboo for me. The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader is full of it (poop). Some of my favorite paragraphs are when there is some kind of danger and they all run up to the poop, or dance on the poop, or clean the poop, or even the time when a giant sea serpent almost squeezes the poop. THAT is classic comedy and I am forever grateful to the genius of C.S. Lewis. Becca has been sick for almost a week now. It's no fun for her and she has a ton of work to get done before the end of the semester, but after that, it's all over! We will do nothing but have fun for the rest of our lives! Here's the plan for after Becca graduates. I haven't discussed it with her yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine with it. First, we'll be homeless for a while. Everyone will be homeless at some point in their life, so we'll get it over with in the beginning so that we can appreciate being homeful later on. We'll save up money from our amateur ventriloquist/sword swallowing act we do on the streets and then spend it on tattoos. Hopefully we will get the Guiness World Record for most tattooed homeless couple and then get the world record for the most extensive laser tattoo removal performed on a homeless couple. Our fame will earn us enough money to buy a 1996 Geo Metro and some gas, so we'll drive to California and I'll find a job as a Micro/Molecular Biologist and we'll rent for a while and then we'll have some kids and buy a house and shock our neighbors with our incredible homeless/ventriloquist/sword swallowing/tattooing/untattooing/record winning story.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Shopping Spree

We've been doing a good job at reaching our savings goals. I'm proud of us. If we spent all of our money, we could buy one of the following items from the classifieds.

When we got married ten and a half months ago I had just paid off my debt and we had $ 0.00 Now we could have $0.00 and a HORSE! That is so awesome! I could ride my horse to work and tie it to a lamp post in the parking lot! Me and Becca could ride it to the dollar theater and then go feed it some grass, or peanut butter! That motorcycle would be pretty cool too.