Friday, June 27, 2008

Goodbye Platinum

Goodbye Platinum. May your next fiscal year be filled with happy and wealthy customers. I'm down to my last 30 minutes as a collections agent. It's been really busy the past couple of hours. A lot of people calling in with problems. Someone just called in and started telling me her problem (and boy is it a sticky problem), so I had to stop her and say, "let me be honest with you. Today is my last day and I'm off in an hour." She didn't care. So many people have given her the runaround that I guess she was desperate for someone to help her. She was really nice though. I'd like to take a moment to make a list of the things I liked most about working in collections.

1. The commission check

Wow, it's a pretty short freaking list ain't it! I'm grateful to Celia for getting me this job. It has helped me pay off some debt and learn a little bit about myself. Here is a list of things I learned about myself while working in collections.

1. I'll do anything for money

Wow, another short list. I'm about to have a week off to take care of some personal business and also relax for a spell.

****ALERT**** This is my first time to type "for a spell"****ALERT****

Me and Becca are planning on some fun summer time fun tomorrow. This may include two of the three following activities: Barbeque, Swimming, Clubbing Baby Seals. I can't wait . For your viewing pleasure I have inluded a drawing of the coolest scene imaginable. It's a cyborg ninja pirate riding two raptors like skis through a sea of storm troopers and shooting at a giant bullet proof robot. Also, waldo and white ninja are in there somewhere. Awesome!

Friday, June 20, 2008

If my closet was eBay...

If my home were the internet, and my closet were eBay, this is what I would wear today.

Total Cost of Outfit= $113.87 + Shipping

The weekend is almost here again. I'm at work and it's 8:00pm. I only have one person left that I can call to collect from. His name is Al and he lives on the west coast. Hopefully he'll pay up. This weekend will be spent getting ready for the grand opening of our house/swanky summer celebration. I'm excited. There's a lot to do. I wonder if I should make a bunch of heart shaped ice. I have the capability, so why not? It's not St. Valentine's Day, but I am of the opinion that love should abound every day of the year, dagnabit.

I just called Al. He didn't answer, so I left a message telling him to call me back. He won't call back. They never call back. I'm still really excited about starting this new job. I'm not even worried about doing something I've never done before. Part of it is the fact that I'll only be interacting with a small, fixed, group of people. No customers to interact with. Just me and the bacteria. I think Becca should change her major to microbiology. That way she could be my lab tech and we can spend all day together. Just us and the bacteria. That would be nice.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Lunar Cycle

I heard it through the grapevine that the moon is supposed to look really pretty tonight. I think I'll take the time to get a good look. Also, Becca and I have made it an entire Lunar Cycle as a married couple. You learn a lot of things after being married for a month. You learn that your partner is/isn't a werewolf. You learn that they do/don't hate you. You learn that they have/haven't a secret imaginary friend named Prince Foopletauser. You learn that they do/don't like full moons. In the case of Becca, she isn't a werewolf, doesn't hate me, hasn't an imaginary friend named Prince Foopletauser, and I'm pretty sure she likes full moons.

In Native American tradition, the full moon in June is referred to as the Strawberry moon. Picking the strawberries by the moonlight in June honors the crops and ensures a good strawberry harvest the next year. In Native Kyle tradition, the full moon in June is referred to as the Swimming Pool moon. Swimming by the moonlight in June honors the water and ensures a nice body and tan for the swimming season next year.

Ode to the Moon - A lovely Poem by Kyle

Crazy all weirded out Moon Man

Why don't you lay off and get out a spoon, man

Drink your Tang like a holiday

And do your thang all the day

Your rays and haze attract the gaze of yesterdays

Guide me through the maze of trays and doughnut glaze

Treat me kind; like a state flower

Please don't pick me for another hour

Crazy all weirded out Moon Man

This song sounds out of tune, man

Friday, June 13, 2008

Microbiology! I am doing it!

The big news is that Paola with Supranaturals called me while I was at work yesterday and offered me a job! I start July 7th with my new title...Microbiologist. I'll be doing testing on their products to make sure there isn't any microbial contamination. It pays a lot more than I was expecting and it's just five minutes further from where I work now! It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it IS a step in the right direction. People always act amazed when they hear I graduated in molecular biology, but I always bomb the follow up question, "What are you doing now?" "umm I'm a collector for a security system company." Now I can say I'm a microbiologist with a real job and real benefits and a real title. I'll even have a lab tech to assist me! I was applying for a lab tech position in Salt Lake, and now I'll have my own lab tech, maybe even two if it gets busy. I'm fooling myself if I think it will be an easy job, but this list of jobs and their stress ranking tells me that "natural scientist" is a pretty good bet if you want low stress. What I do now would probably be considered "customer service/complaint worker". I'm glad to get on the second list. I think Katy should stick with Bookbinding, and Becca should never be an Inner City HS Teacher.
Top 10 Most Stressful Jobs
1. Inner City HS Teacher
2. Police Officer
3. Miner
4. Air Traffic Controller
5. Medical Intern
6. Stockbroker
7. Journalist
8. Customer Service/Complaint Worker
9. Secretary
10. Waiter
Top 10 Least Stressful Jobs
1. Forester
2. Bookbinder
3. Telephone Line Worker
4. Toolmaker
5. Millwright
6. Repairperson
7. Civil Engineer
8. Therapist
9. Natural Scientist
10. Sales Representative
All of these people are just as likely to get ulcers, by the way. Ulcers can be aggravated by stress, but they are caused by the bacterium Helicobactor pylori. ( List and fact taken from the website of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Kyle's Get Rich Quick Plan

I've been thinking about money a lot today and have decided to dedicate a blog to one of my favorite roots of all evil. Here are some financial tips I've either heard about or made up.

1. Set up a website that directs people to another website that pays you money for referrals. Even better, charge people a fee to join your program and then "pay" them to set up websites that direct people to your website and then direct them instantly to the main website. Soon, you're right in the middle of a low cost, low risk internet pyramid scheme.

2. Sell drugs for a major drug lord. Even better, pay other people to sell the drugs for you. And they can get people to sell drugs for them. Soon, you're right in the middle of a high risk, high cost illegal pyramid scheme.

3. Slip and fall. The trick to this is to always be aware. Always be on the look out for potential hazards in public places. Say you're in the store and you see a wet spot with no wet floor sign. All you need to do is slip and pretend to injure yourself. Have your doctor friend write up a report and then sue the store. Settle for a moderate amount of money, pay the doctor friend and lawyer, and you'll have enough left over for a trip to Costco or a tank of gas.

4. Print Money. As long as you print small bills you can totally get away with it. The only problem is that the paper you'll need to buy in order to make it look like a real bill is actually more expensive than the worth of a real dollar. You can get around this by cutting up a newspaper and depositing the pieces with any blind bank teller wearing gloves.

5. Offer to pay people in gas cards. You would be amazed that gasoline is worth more than money. People would rather have a 5 dollar gas card than 6 dollars cash. Next time you go to a yard sale. Bring a couple 20 dollar gas cards. I'm thinking of buying my first house in gas cards personally. The more expensive gas gets, the more valuable gas cards become, even though the exact opposite is true.

6. Go to Craigslist and look for items in the 'free' section. Go and get them. Then get on eBay and post the same items with the same descriptions only put *RARE* or *ANTIQUE* before them. Those old sneakers and bike tires will sell like hot cakes.

7. Write a book. Publishing and advertising is expensive, and writing takes a lot of work, but there are ways around it. Here's an idea. Write down a few pages of really weird stuff that you think no one in their right mind would want to read. Then print off a few copies from the Internet and leave them in places like obscure coffee shops, gelato shops, and any other shops that only sell one item, but in a lot of varieties. It's essential that it is a shop and not a store. A boutique is even better. A lampshade store is a bad idea, a lampshade shop is a better idea, and a lampshade boutique is the best idea. Soon young weird hipsters will be banging down your door willing to pay wads of cash for "Delirious Dan and his Delightful Doppelganger".

8. Take anything you find on the street. Glue some Googly Eyes on it. Sell it at the flea market.

9. Build up good credit. Get lots of credit cards. Buy everything you would ever want. Leave the country.
10. Go to Vegas and bet everything you have at the roulette table. If you lose...refer to tips 1-9. If you win. Great.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Job Search

I applied for a job in the oncology department at the University of Utah. I would be pretty much curing Leukemia, but it's so far away. Just a little while ago I got an email informing me of another job opening in Springville. I would be counting how many bacteria there are in factory produced goods, but it's so close. Now I have to decide. Do I cure Leukemia, but go to Salt Lake every day, or do I count bacterial colonies and make the short trip to Springville every day? It's like betting on one of these lobsters. Each lobster has his own unique strengths and weaknesses. Look at the gorgeous stance of Ricardo (right) and the intimidating stare of Brent (left). Which won you ask? The answer one knows. All witnesses were killed during the battle. What we learn from this is that you can't wait to see which wins. You have to pick a winner so that if you die, you can assume you were right. That's the secret to living a healthy life. OPTIMISM sauteed in italian seasoned-four cheese IGNORANCE.

I can't wait for it to be the weekend. The free time I've been craving is just around the corner. I can't wait to get a job and assume that it's the best choice while never knowing or caring if the other one could have been better. I can't wait to eat some taquitos tonight. I can't wait to change the world with the wisdom hidden in this blog post.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008


Not Work
I want's some free time! Sure, me and Becca get a little bit of free time, but I want LOTS of free time. Becca found out that in Cedar City they will be performing Cyrano de Bergerac. We're going to get away for a weekend sometime. I don't remember exactly when, but I do know it isn't this weekend, so it isn't soon enough. This weekend will be fun though. We have a lot of shopping we still need to do. Maybe I'll even have time to do a little sewing.
I have been successful as a collector because I found my niche. The problem now is that there is too much competition and everyone is about to take over my niche in order to survive. My competitive spirit screams, "BRING IT ON!!!" It's too bad that my competitive spirit only makes up .00001% of my overall spirit. Even my rodeo spirit is at .00002%. That reminds me that I haven't been to a good rodeo in a while. Anyways, this month isn't going to be a good month for collections. It may be time to seriously consider going to Salt Lake in search of employment. Here are the problems with Salt Lake:
I. It's far away
...A. Gas is Expensive
......1. $4.oo a gallon
......2. It will keep rising
...B. I waste my entire day commuting
......1. I'd rather be chillin' with my wife
......2. I hate traffic
...C. I'd be tripling my contribution to Global Warming
......1. I don't really care about Global Warming
......2. I like it warm
......3. A couple degrees a decade doesn't bother me
......4. I'll invest in a swimsuit manufacturer
II. It's not close
...A. Gas isn't Cheap
......1. $4.00 a gallon
......2. It won't get any lower
...B. I spend less time out of the car
......1. Less time with my wife
......2. I love being out of traffic
...C. Etc...
What do I do? I want to ride a bus to take care of the gas problem, but that just increases the time problem. I should just recruit biotechnology companies to Utah county. I just need to prepare a convincing argument to lure companies from L.A., Boston, Houston, etc..., get them to move out here, work for them for a year, and then convince them to move to San Francisco so me and Becca can live there.