Customers of Size

I was taking a look at the Southwest Airlines Policies and saw a link that said "Customers of Size". I like their policy. It makes sense. If you are so big that you can't fit in one seat, you have to pay for two seats, BUT if the flight was not full, you can request a refund of the additional seat.

So, this got me thinking. If I like to stretch out on the plane, can I buy two seats for one passenger? And then get a refund if the flight isn't full? That would be great!

I can see it now. I'm sitting in my usual window seat on the airplane as the other passengers are looking for a place to plop down. One by one they point to the seat next to me and say, "Do you mind if I sit here?" Then every time I get to respond, "No. That's where my feet will be." If they have a problem with it, I'll show them my "special needs" ticket and tell them to be on their way to that row on the back with the seats that don't even recline. Then after the flight, I can get a refund (assuming the flight wasn't full).

There's no way they would let me though. Companies are always discriminating against "customers not of size".

Some More Signs

I found some more signs that needed correcting. They're very obvious. That's probably why no one bothered fixing them earlier.

Signs

I often see signs where the graphic doesn't match the caption, so I took the liberty of correcting a couple that I frequently see in public restrooms.

Lies to Tell My Children

Kids will believe anything, right? So the following are lies I will tell my children…

1. I invented the winky emoticon ; ) 
2. I went to high school with Zac Efron 
3. I wrote the lyrics to Will Smith’s “Gettin' jiggy wit it” 
4. Cell Phones were called “pimp talkas” till 2004 
5. The Democratic Party was formed when Nazis and Communists reached a compromise. 
6. Dentists aren’t allowed to go to another dentist. 
7. The idea of fashion design was started by FDR as part of the New Deal. It was meant to keep effeminate men out of the unemployment lines…where they were frequently ridiculed. 
8. “Longitude” is the worst cuss word anyone could say.
9. Hot dogs got their name because of the factories where dogs would make them before the labor laws were changed and dogs were no longer permitted to earn a decent living....It was hot in the factories.
10. I once had a tattoo of a rhino...on my face.

Why I Would Be an Awful Film Critic

When I watch a movie, I want to see good likeable characters living out happy lives. I don't want the guy and girl to be mad at each other due to some misunderstanding. I don't want the superhero to lose his powers. I don't want anyone to die...ever. There can be conflict in the form of bad guys that have to be defeated, but the main character has to do the right thing every time and there can never be any question that he will succeed. The hero can be willing to sacrifice his life to save someone, but in the end everything has to turn out okay. Only happy endings.

So, my perfect movie would be the cheesiest, most boring, most shallow movie ever created. 

On a separate note, spell check is telling me "likeable" is spelled incorrectly. Is it really "likable" it just looks wrong for some reason.

Depersonalization

I had my first depersonalization episode last night. It worried me at the time, because it seemed really weird and a little scary, but I just went to bed hoping everything would be normal in the morning. Luckily I was right. It turns out depersonalization is extremely common so it's funny I don't remember ever hearing about it before. It's also nothing to worry about. One isolated episode isn't indicative of any mental illness although I admit I felt like I was going crazy.

You may find this interesting, but I won't go into too much detail because there is a chance you may not find this interesting. It was about ten o'clock at night and I was flipping through tv channels to confirm that nothing good was on and everything was still right with the world. I then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. I mean...I recognized myself as if my reflection were an acquaintance of mine, but not ME. I looked at myself and moved my lips and scrunched up my nose, but the movements were unfamiliar and disconnected as if someone were copying my movements, but not even very well. I felt there was a slight time lag between my movements and the movements in the mirror. I felt like I was in an episode of Quantum Leap.

I then started to ask myself, if this reflection isn't mine what do I EXPECT myself to look like? I couldn't answer that. I finally decided that something weird was going on and I should stop looking in the mirror and just go to sleep before I really freaked myself out.

Walking to bed everything felt uncertain and unreal. I was afraid that I was dreaming and the dream could turn into a nightmare. I imagined a monster breaking down the door and coming after me. Due to my strange frame of mind it felt entirely possible, so I curled up and just hoped I would either fall asleep or wake up before it happened.

Okay, I went into more detail than I planned. I apologize. Anyway, I recognize myself just fine now and feel nicely anchored in reality.

Words of Wisdom and Math

So in math you have this thing called division

If you divide a pie, for example, by eight. You end up with eight pieces of pie.

That's why you can't divide by zero. How do you divide a pie into zero pieces?

Actually, when pie is concerned. Dividing by zero is equivalent to dividing by 500.

Because if you divide a pie 500 times, you have zero pieces of pie.

Thank you for you attention.