Alienation

You know how you really like an actor or some kind of celebrity, but then they come out with an opinion on some controversial topic that you disagree with and now you can’t bring yourself to respect them, or they say they hate Mormons, and you never want to watch another movie
with Tom Hanks no matter how much you like Big? Well, I was thinking that it’s about time I took sides on key controversial issues so that I may someday become famous and alienate my fan base.

Abortion
I’m all for a woman’s and a man’s right to choose. I believe parents should be allowed to abort their children until the children reach the age of 18. If they make it to 18 they’ve proven their worth as a human and will become responsible adults. If not, well, natural selection
runs its course (see Evolution) and we’ll have a much more respectable population. “Sorry, John, you’re getting too many parking tickets and you’re rebelling too much and not doing your chores. If you don’t clean up your act we’ll have no choice but to abort you.”

Same Sex Marriage
No thanks. Firstly, I like my lady and secondly, dudes are gross.

The Death Penalty
Rename it Abortion and include the right of the government to abort anyone who is a scumbag and over 18. Under 18, the right belongs to the parents.

Evolution
We should be taking a more proactive role. Eugenics and genocide are the name of the game.

I may run for political office one day and I’d hate for some conservative nut job or bleeding heart liberal to quote me on this and hurt my chances, so please read the following message to journalists.

***Message to journalists***The intent of this post is purely satirical. I require that if you choose to quote a section of this post out of context, the following must be included with the quote. “I, the journalist, am taking this out of context. It was taken from a satirical blog post a long time ago, and I am a lice-eating, pimple-popping, booger face and you should give your vote, money, or mercy to Kyle Vaughn”

Parade of Hats: Day 6

This hat is actually a rubber snake. It's Becca's. I think it fits me better than any of my other hats. Becca made me some hamburger meat and cheese and noodle dish. I call it Premium Hamburger Helper, or Hamburger Helper minus the Help. Maybe we could call it Thanks for Nothing Hamburger. It was REALLY good.

So, this baby is really coming! It gets closer and closer every day. The picture to the left makes me question my preparedness for parenthood, but I'll have plenty of time to grow up before our little girl is old enough to lose all respect for me....hopefully. We're thinking of names, and we seem to be leaning towards Ruby, but nothing will be decided for a while. I like all the nicknames that can go along with it. Ruby Tuesday, Rue, Scooby Ruby Doo, Rhubarb, Kanga-ruby, Rubella, Rubicon, etc...

Parade of Hats: Day 5

God Bless America! I meant to blog this one on the Fourth of July, but thanks to Becca and her family, I had something better to do on the Fourth than sit at home taking pictures of myself wearing patriotic hats. What happened today you ask? Well, I guess I had nothing better to do than take pictures of myself wearing patriotic hats. I can't really remember where I got this hat. I'm pretty sure it was a thrift store, and it might have been in Canby, Oregon. This is actually the hat I wear most frequently...once a year. Can you guess when?

A couple of weeks ago, Becca and I adopted a zero tolerance policy to preserve our home's cleanliness. So far it's working out great. If I change clothes I know that no article of clothing can go anywhere but my dresser, closet, or hamper. It's an amazing thing, if you never put anything on the floor, the floor is never cluttered! If dishes go directly into the dishwasher, there is never a pile of dishes in the sink! If you always flush the toilet, .... okay that was never a problem.

Parade of Hats: Day 4

Mmmmm! KFC!! Do you know those people who worked at a fast food place, learned their secrets, and never wanted to eat the food there again? Well, those people didn't work at KFC, and those people weren't me. To this day, I love my Kentucky Fried Chicken. Are the biscuits frozen? Yes. Does that make them any less delicious? No. Are the pot pies and barbeque chicken sandwiches made from leftover chicken that didn't sell? Yes. Does that matter? NO. The food is simply amazing, and I wish I had the secret to the Original Recipe, but I don't. The spices come premixed.

KFC was my first real job. I was there a year and a half during high school before we all got laid off when the store went out of business. I was hired making 5.45 and when I became a shift supervisor my pay got bumped to 6.50. Man, I thought I was rolling in dough! Pretty soon minimum wage is going to be six figures and my grandchildren won't be able to comprehend working for such a small amount of money.

My favorite part of working for KFC was working with Braxton. We had a lot of fun playing "Name that Sound" over the headsets and creating our own special recipes. I also remember an incident involving a frozen glove that makes me smile.

Parade of Hats: Day 3

This is what I call my "army" hat. I figure that if I had been in the army I would have a hat like this. I think I got this at an army surplus store, so it's gotta be pretty legit. So I took this hat to give me some street cred when I went on a 2 week backpacking trek with boy scouts. I think I was 14. Anyway, while there we got to shoot shotguns, so I shot this hat with a shotgun. One time I accidentally left it in my friends van. I think I was 16. Anyway, when I asked about it later they said they had set it on fire and thrown out on the street. They felt bad and told me where they did it. Miraculously after a week it was still there! It has some ear flaps that come down and those ear flaps used to have some fuzzy felt stuff on them.... but they burned up, so I cut out the burnt part. Now I'm 26 and I still love this hat. We've been through a lot together. Or rather IT has been through a lot....because of me.

Parade of Hats: Day 2

I love this hat! The only thing I remember from going to the circus is that I got a snow cone. It was one of those snow cones that actually came in a cone and had very little flavor. I'm sure I loved it though. Of course this memory could actually just be a figment of my imagination, or a transplanted memory from when I went to see Hulk Hogan. Anyway, this hat is the bomb.

Yesterday I played some tennis with Alan. It's something we talked about doing for the past three years, but it never happened until now. I get the feeling like I hold my tennis racket like a girl. Well, not like a girl tennis player. More like a girl computer programmer. Yes! That's it! I hold my tennis racket like a girl computer programmer. Now all my muscles ache due to the physical activity that I customarily avoid.

Oh, and I hate to stereotype female computer programmers. I'm sure there are some that are very good at tennis.

Parade of Hats: Day 1

Hey guys! Guess what. I have a lot of hats! You never see me wearing them because no one ever taught me how. So, I've collected all these hats over the years, and I'm going to show them off on my bliggity-blog. The problem is the camera on my phone isn't that great. Oh well. Such is life. I believe this hat to be a houndstooth fedora with a green and red feather. I collected this one while working at Dillards. It was marked down a lot. My guess is that people these days just don't appreciate style, so no one bought it until my keen eye came along. You see what I mean about not knowing how to wear hats? Look at me! I'm downright laughable! Go ahead; have a good chuckle.

Projects

Becca and I have officially entered the nesting phase. The past couple of weeks we've been decorating the baby room and in the process thinking of ways to add decor to the rest of our home. I love it. I'm about to go saw the end off of an old door so we can over time transform it into a new headboard. The best part is that these projects result in us getting exactly what we want without paying a ton of money.

So, a lot of people aren't wondering what my thoughts are on becoming a father. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm totally ready for fatherhood. First off, I have a world famous pancake recipe that would knock your socks off. Second, I'm constantly turning off the television in order to protect it from the dreaded burn in. Third, I'm training my bladder so that whenever I gather the family into the car to go on some fun outing, I'll suddenly have to get out of the car and leave them waiting while I have a talk with mother nature. Forth, while I have never changed a diaper, I HAVE held down a baby while Becca changed her. Fifth, my BBQ skills are improving slowly but surely. I finally got our little grill to put out some real heat. The only thing I have to work on is watching Larry King without losing my mind.

Opening of the Vaughn Vault

"When I had a safe, I was a child. When I forgot the combination to that safe, I was a child. When I opened the safe without a combination, I became a man." --Ralph Waldo Emerson ....or not

I did have a safe as a kid and I also forgot the combination. My parents have been lugging it around with them every time they move, but a couple of weeks ago they brought it with them when they visited. After a couple of minutes trying to listen for clicks while turning the dial, Alan and I decided that brute force would be the best way to crack this safe. With the help of a hammer and Alan's tire iron, we did it.

What was so important that it had to be kept in a safe? COMIC BOOKS!!! Oh Yeah!

When I was Nine

If nine-year-old Kyle were to talk to me now he'd say...

What happened to your dream of being a kindergarten cop?! You were going to go undercover and catch bad guys while showing kindergarten kids how cool you are. And why aren't you friends with Garrett anymore. You didn't even invite him to your wedding! He was supposed to be your best man! Oh, well, it's cool that you're married. It's cool that you can drive and buy things with credit cards and stuff. Utah's kind of boring, but you're a scientist. That's awesome! You get to where a lab coat and use a microscope! There are some things you need to do right now. First, start that knife collection that mom wouldn't let you have for fear of you sleep walking and murdering the entire family. Then, learn to play the guitar. You're no one if you're not in a band! That's pretty much it. Bye.

Wow, I think I may have disappointed nine-year-old Kyle, but I have a feeling that he'll be happy when he gets to where I am.

The Appearance of Evil

So, here's what's up. LDS folks don't drink alcohol or coffee. What do we do for fun?! That's why we should open a bar/hot chocolate place called "The Appearance of Evil" (Borrowed from 1 Thessalonians 5:22 ). We'll only serve virgin drinks, near beer, and fancy hot chocolates. Now we'll have a place to meet people, unwind, talk about our problems, and have a good time. We'll just make sure people have a designated driver in case they've had one Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers too many.

Would it fly? I've hear of people going to Applebee's for virgin drinks. They spend five or six bucks for a glorified fruit juice. And tons of people go to Starbucks for a hot chocolate or caramel apple cider. Why not have fun mixed drinks in cool glasses with fancy garnishes and a delicious variety of hot chocolates and ciders all in one place?

Perspective

Take a look around you. Take a good hard look at everyone in the room with you. One of them will be dead at the end of the day (assuming of course that you are currently in a room containing a random sample of 5000 Americans). By dividing the number of people who die every day in the United States by the population of the United States, I decided that I have a 0.02% chance of dying any given day. I like my odds. I'm pretty sure I'm going to live forever. Get used to me.

That being said, my website is up and running! Here's a link.

Vaughn Life Coaching, LLC

Vaughn Life Coaching, LLC

It's official! My business license came in the mail today. I am now the proud owner of Vaughn Life Coaching, LLC. That means I can start taking in paying clients. Now I can transform this very good unprofitable business into a very good profitable one. I guess you could say I'm unintentionally a non-profit organization. I hope to change that shortly though.

For those who are wondering, here's what happened. At the end of last year the following idea popped into my head, "I want to be a life coach!" It started out as a joke because I thought it would be ridiculous for me to actually do it, but the more I thought of it, the more feasible it seemed. I realized the following...

1. I love self-help books. I love reading them and talking about them and applying them.

2. A career as a lab technician or the supervisor of lab technicians is no longer appealing and breaking into cancer research would involve going back to school until I'm 32, not making much money, working my way up the ranks in some organization, and fighting for grants until the day I die which will also quite possible be the day when I realize that cancer still isn't cured and I failed. I'd probably die of cancer too. Ironic. These are all sacrifices I am not willing to make.

3. While I thought I was anti-social and never wanted to deal with people, working alone in a lab all day has taught me that I actually do like dealing with people on a personal level, taking interest in their lives, and even helping them if I can. The anti-social attitude that I accepted as a part of my introverted nature was merely based on a limiting belief that conversation simply wasn't my forte and I was better suited to walking past someone else's conversation, throwing in a sarcastic comment, and going on my merry way. I still believe myself to be introverted, but that doesn't have to be synonymous with anti-social.

4. After a couple months of coaching, I've realized that I love it! It's fun, it gives me energy, and I feel like I have a natural talent for it that can be developed over time. As I coach other people, I also coach myself. That has made me a happier and more well-rounded person.

5. There's low risk. If I can't find clients, or get bored of coaching, or decide that working at Dillards again will be really fun, I don't lose the kind of capital that goes into starting other kinds of businesses.

So, while it started out as a light-hearted joke so that I could say things like, "As your life coach I advise you to give me that brownie" or "As your life coach I say you date so and so", I'm serious now and have formed a business that I hope will develop into a full time career. In short, this isn't like the time I became an ordained minister online.

Heart

Am I in love? Well, of course I am, but that's not what this is about. Yesterday we went to the doctor and he found a heartbeat in Becca's stomach! I thought to myself. Holy cow! What did she eat? Whatever it was, its still alive. Needless to say I was a little freaked out. Luckily I had no reason to be worried. It turns out that Becca's pregnant! That heartbeat was just the heart of the baby that will be the next member of our family. I'm gonna be a dad. That's so much better that having a wife that eats live beating hearts. Overall I'd say it was a good day.

Retraction

It turns out that not all creatures need to be saved. The Mucinex species is a prime example. You would think the graphic image of a family of boogers being sneezed and coughed out of a human host would be a great advertising campaign wouldn't you? Um...no. Somehow I doubt I'll be reaching for mucinex for my decongestant needs.

Another thing. What's with the anti smoking commercials?! I am THIS CLOSE to taking up smoking and buying cigarettes for kids just to show them that their tactics are ineffective and unappreciated. I don't want to see brains cut in half and gunk squeezed out of who knows what. People blowing smoke in my face is far less offensive!

Olympic Games

There are some great things about the Olympics. It's fun to see sports other than Basketball and Football. I like seeing different countries compete and for the most part get along. I also like seeing different countries compete and sometimes cause a bit of controversy. It's also cool that the United States tends to clean up as far as the medal count is concerned. One great thing about being in a country where I know we'll end up with a ton of medals is that I can be happy for competitors from other countries when they win.

On the other hand, there are some things I really hate about the Olympics. I don't like how the difference between a gold medal and no medal can be a tenth of a second in a race or a tenth of a point in a subjectively judged competition. I guess it's ok because the same people seem to consistently win by that hundredth of a second, so it must be a measure of who is the better athlete, but come on, we need high tech timing devices to be able to tell who won! Oh, and this isn't a big deal, but I don't like the medals this year. Too wavy.

I know what it's like to be second place when first place is so close. It's called Doodle. I was almost the world champion of this online game. I would play it for hours and almost perfected the sport, but I could never beat some guy in Greece. His name was cyprusisgreek and he will haunt my dreams until my dying day.

Avoid Him!!!!

This is the Noid. Avoid the Noid! Man, I really miss this guy. I feel like it was irresponsible of society to avoid him into extinction. Does not our great power to impact the environment require us to take care to conserve the species we displace? Do we not contend to be more than animals following the law of survival of the fittest? While quite possibly the fittest, is living without the beauty and diversity of nature really surviving?










The Noid is gone forever and younger generations have never seen a living 7up Spot.







They are gone, but it's not too late for some of their friends. With your help, we can save these beautiful creatures.

New Year, New Resolutions

So far I've been quite pleased with 2010. This feels like my year, although, according to Chinese Restaurants my year is the year of the rat and won't happen again until I'm 36. Speaking of being 36, I'm trying really hard to be more athletic, or rather make people think I'm athletic. Being athletic was never a priority for me when I was younger. I attribute this to the fact that I associated athleticism with popularity, and I associated popularity with jerkiness. It seems more and more important as I get older though. The person I want to be plays tennis, runs 3 miles a day, throws around a football with friends, etc... I don't want that to be what my life is about, but I want it to be a part of my life. The principle road block in achieving this is the fact that I have vehemently avoided any form of physical activity for the past 25 years. I gots no skillz yo! I've never been good at throwing a football. When I play tennis I'm really good at knocking the ball over the fence, but unfortunately home runs don't count in tennis. As for running, I usually push myself too hard and fall down in a sweaty sick heap of asthma. Gross. Anyway. Being more athletic is a goal of mine this year.

Neti Pot

Today a coworker introduced me to the joy of the neti pot. I'll never drink my tea the same way again.

Know Thyself

My tongue is absolutely destroyed. We got in a shipment of citric acid and I went to town. Once I felt the burning I drank a ton of water and did my best to dilute the acid and minimize the damage, but it was to no avail. I hope it doesn’t ruin our New Year’s Eve celebration tonight. Becca doesn’t know it, but I’m going to leave work early to start the celebration sonner than planned. That way we can spend more time anticipating midnight, the end of the old us, and the beginning of the new us.

Phrenology is very interesting to me. I like to take the little I know about it and assume I know everything. I have a ridge in my skull that indicates Approbativeness, Concientiosness, and Hope. Other bumps indicate Combativeness and Vitativeness. I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself. The problem is that my diagnosis changes depending on the chart I look at. They all seem to be pretty different. I think I’ll do it with all the charts until I find the one that seems to be the most accurate description of my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and aptitudes. That’s good science right? If that chart is correct for me, it would be correct for everyone right? Of course it would be.

Vitativeness. I had to look up what this one means. Apparently it is the love of life and fear of death. I suppose I love life and fear death. Suicide has never been that appealing to me. Mostly because I think it’s inconsiderate, rather than because of a fear of death. You cause so much paperwork for people, and someone has to find you, and they have to clean up whatever mess you made. Even if I felt like no one would miss me and everyone would be better off, I think of the poor person who has to type up the police report.

Approbativeness. I had to look this one up too. I think it’s the desire for praise and recognition. That sounds like me. If it means the desire to give praise and recognition, no, that’s not me. Needless to say, the self-esteem section of my skull is as flat as a pancake.

If the mole on my head counts as a bump, it represents Secretiveness. Cool. From now on I’ll refer to my mole as my “sneaky mole”, but only in a whisper.