Alienation

You know how you really like an actor or some kind of celebrity, but then they come out with an opinion on some controversial topic that you disagree with and now you can’t bring yourself to respect them, or they say they hate Mormons, and you never want to watch another movie
with Tom Hanks no matter how much you like Big? Well, I was thinking that it’s about time I took sides on key controversial issues so that I may someday become famous and alienate my fan base.

Abortion
I’m all for a woman’s and a man’s right to choose. I believe parents should be allowed to abort their children until the children reach the age of 18. If they make it to 18 they’ve proven their worth as a human and will become responsible adults. If not, well, natural selection
runs its course (see Evolution) and we’ll have a much more respectable population. “Sorry, John, you’re getting too many parking tickets and you’re rebelling too much and not doing your chores. If you don’t clean up your act we’ll have no choice but to abort you.”

Same Sex Marriage
No thanks. Firstly, I like my lady and secondly, dudes are gross.

The Death Penalty
Rename it Abortion and include the right of the government to abort anyone who is a scumbag and over 18. Under 18, the right belongs to the parents.

Evolution
We should be taking a more proactive role. Eugenics and genocide are the name of the game.

I may run for political office one day and I’d hate for some conservative nut job or bleeding heart liberal to quote me on this and hurt my chances, so please read the following message to journalists.

***Message to journalists***The intent of this post is purely satirical. I require that if you choose to quote a section of this post out of context, the following must be included with the quote. “I, the journalist, am taking this out of context. It was taken from a satirical blog post a long time ago, and I am a lice-eating, pimple-popping, booger face and you should give your vote, money, or mercy to Kyle Vaughn”