Good Advice.

The best advice I've ever heard given was from Gavin MacGregor. He wisely stated, "Do what you've gotta do, and make sure it gets done". I really feel like life is better when you take this advice to heart. Here are some historical events involving people who did what they had to do, and got it done.

Some guy in a cool suit showing the Moon it can't stare at us all the time without us flying up there and shoving a flag in its face.

Black children forced to go to school with snotty white brats.

Lab coat man cures Polio and destroys the evil crutches and iron lung industries.

This Pizza.

A great man.

The main reason I don't like zombie movies is all the gore. Especially the Al Gore.

What do you call it when Al Gore dances?.......... Algorithm (Al Gore Rhythm)

What do you call a fear of being in open spaces with Al Gore?.........Algoraphobia

Those are some of my Al Gore jokes. I just felt like they should be published for posterity's sake.

We just went and saw the new Night at the Museum movie at the dollar theater. It was surprisingly awesome. You know when something is funny, but then it goes on too long and it's not funny anymore, but then it keeps going and it's funny again, and then at the end of the movie they do the same gag again, but with Hank Azaria, and it starts to get old, but then it's over and you wish it didn't stop? That happened. Minds were blown.

Home Alone - Day 8 - Ambiguity

It's been over a week now and I think I've been holding up just fine.



Sockman's so silly. We don't even have the same prescription. Psh.


At work we've been having problems with the ambiguity of the english language. The particular problem we face is the term "biweekly". My good friends Merriam and Webster can't seem to agree on the subject. Merriam says that it means occurring twice a week, and Webster says it means occurring every two weeks. Come on Merriam-Webster! You're supposed to be a united front! Can context clues help us decide which definition someone is using? Let's see.

"Okay, listen up, it's extremely important that you take this medication biweekly. No more and no less."
"You have a choice of weekly beatings or biweekly beatings, which do you want?

What gives?! We have to do something about this. I have always believed biweekly to mean every two weeks, but when that assumption was challenged and Merriam-Webster let me down, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE! Here are our options.

1. Use the terms twice weekly, and every two weeks exclusively
2. Use biweekly to mean twice a week and use fortnightly to mean every two weeks
3. Use the terms biweekly, homoweekly, and heteroweekly in whatever way we see fit
4. Use either 26 or 104 times yearly.

Whatever we do, we need a consensus!

Home Alone - Day 3 - Itchin' for the Kitchen

After getting the oil changed today I took a drive to my neighborhood Savers where I became the proud owner/operator of four small mugs. I took them home and made some mug cakes (Fig 1), but when I made a phone call to have someone come help me eat them, I got an answering machine. That made me sad (Fig 1).



Then I realized that reducing the number of consumers reduces the scarcity and to my joy I discovered that while the law of diminishing marginal returns applies to 5 Buck Pizza, it does not apply to mug cakes (Fig 2)



I had leftover batter, so I put it in some random container and baked it. I didn't grease the container and when I tried to remove the delicious cake, it crumbled into a huge mess. I'm sure I'm not the only victim of crumbly cake. Here's what you do when that happens. Take the part of the cake that didn't crumble and go ahead and rip it apart until you have pile of crumbs. Then smash them all into a heart shaped cookie cutter. Add heart shaped sprinkles and drizzle on some chocolate sauce. Then present it to your sweetheart. If your sweetheart happens to be in California, then blog about it and let her know how delicious it was after you ate it instead. This is for you Becca! (Fig. 3) It was really good!

Home Alone - Day 2

Monday night I got back from L.A. It was a lot of fun. I can't even begin to give an account of everything we did. Things that come immediately to mind are, going to the beach and playing in the waves, eating corn, staying in a really nice hotel with delicious breakfasts, a ton of meat cooked just the way I like it at Uncle David's, and an easy and painless trip home. Becca is still in California and will be there for quite a while. I don't know how long. I guess she'll call me so I can pick her up from the airport. I'll try to keep an account of what I'm doing to keep my sanity while she's away.

Yesterday I went to work, hung out at DI, got our windshield replaced, vacuumed the car twice, ate at Del Taco with CB, Cannon, and Alan, and talked to Becca on the phone.

Today I went to work, put air in the tires, paid some bills, and now I've been trying to watch a movie on Netflix, but the internet is too slow. Sometimes I dream about a magical place where after 15 years of perfecting the internet, it can actually go fast enough to download a decent Kevin Costner movie. That's just a dream. I thought I was lowering my standards too much when my dreams fell from flying cars to decent internet, but apparently I didn't lower them enough. Now I'd settle for an oven that actually is the temperature you set it to.

See Below

I came home today and Becca was watching Firefly with a friend and the apartment was spotless. Of course I immediately plopped my bag on the kitchen table and proceeded to make a mess, but it was really nice of Becca to give me a clean canvas to make my mess on. Here's to wives and all they put up with. Later we went to Council Bluffs and Emily's to work on our entertainment center. They came out and hung out with us before they went to FHE. Emily helped paint, and CB removed rocks from his lawn so that it will one day be a more comfortable place for Alan to practice hand stands. After that was the highlight of the day - TACO BELL! It's delicious. Here's a picture of our dinner companion.



He was a little yippy and went to the bathroom on the floor, but when he spoke, we lost ourselves in his wisdom and culinary prowess. He taught us the way of the double beef and cheese burrito, the triple layer nachos, the burrito (hold the onion), and the chicken burrito.

Now I'm blogging and Becca is reading. Our stomachs and souls are content. I bet that if I smiled at her right now she would smile back, or throw something at me, but one of those two things. Here we go....she smiled, and called me crazy. I was so right.

New computer.

So I'm blogging from our new computer. It is not a laptop. It is in fact an iMac. I have become used to laptops and would like to put this iMac in my lap however, I cannot. What I CAN do is leave the computer on my desk, take the wireless keyboard, sit in bed, and type away. I can't always be sure that I'm spelling everything correctly since I can't see the screen very well, but spellcheck will help me out a lot.

In answer to you question, "What the hobo are you doing getting a Mac, Kyle?" I'm giving it a shot. Macs have come a long way from the ones I knew in middle school. So far, there are things I like and things that I'm not really comfortable with. It might take some time for me to warm up to it. I like how simple and uncluttered it is. Windows always comes with a ton of junk that no one wants or needs. AOL? Really? Why the Macarena would I want AOL to come installed on my computer? Now that I have excused myself for owning a Mac, we can all get on with our lives.

ButtBook

Some ideas just aren't good. Most of them are mine. Some examples:

1. Wearing shredded jeans, a corduroy jacket covered in buttons and a propeller beanie to middle school.

2. Challenging the intelligence of a would be mugger.

3. Buying a guitar with the sole purpose of painting it blue and smashing it against a brick wall. (It was a small guitar)

Those may be bad ideas, but they are bad ideas that I'm not so secretly proud of.

I just got back from watching 17 Again. It was the best movie ever made, but that's beside the point. Here's the thing. This idea has been made into approximately a million movies and I've seen them all, but here's the thing. Here's the point. This time I felt closer to Matthew Perry than I did Zac Efron. I guess technically I'm closer to 17 than I am to 40, but I feel like I saw the same old story of being thrown back into high school but from a new perspective. I think I'll post an age progression of what I will look like when I'm 40. Here it is.




And here is an age regression of what I will look like when I'm 40 and fall into a magical vortex that makes me 17 again.

I almost choked.

So, I was just sitting at my computer thinking about stuff. While thinking about stuff I had my ring in my mouth. My wedding ring. I had it in my mouth and then the title of this post happened.

One time I was in a hurry to go to class, but also starving. I made a sandwich and started to go up the south stairs while eating. I got tired and started breathing heavily as I tried to eat the sandwich. Then the title of this post happened.

Several years ago at the Olive Garden, I was eating some delicious fried mozzarella sticks. I took a bite and swallowed with out completely biting through the cheese. I had a thick string of cheese traveling from my stomach, past my throat, and into my hand where the rest of the mozzarella stick remained. The title of this post happened.

I'm really sorry about this. I should have known that it isn't a good idea to blog for the sake of blogging. To make up for it, here is a link to sign up for a newsletter and get two dairy queen blizzards for the price of one. Free Blizzard!

I KNEW it!

May 5th 2005 I predicted on this very blog that there would be a swine flu. I was sooooo RIGHT! I'm not worried about this whole pig disease though. I'm not a pig, so what do I have to worry about? Seriously though, this outbreak is pretty pathetic. According to the CDC, about 36,000 Americans die from the normal flu every year. That's an average of about 100 people a day. This swine flu had been in America for at least 4 days and no one here has died. At least four hundred people should be dead for this to even be an average flu. Frankly, with zero fatalities, it doesn't even deserve to be called the flu. The point I'm getting to is that this is a cover up. Something else big is going on that "they" don't want us to know about. I just took a look at fox news to find out what other stories might be buried by this scare. I believe it's the fact that "Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls via a surrogate". That's big news! And the government doesn't want you to know.

Why?

Why am I blogging right now when I should be doing push ups? The answer is that push ups make my tired while blogging does not. I need to get over that. I'm going to do 40 push ups and then come back.

(40 push ups later)

That's better. I'll be going to bed pretty soon. I'm working from 6 to 5 for the next couple of weeks because a coworker is out of town. That means I'll be raking in some savory overtime pay. Today I was thinking about the techniques I use to get through a long work day.

1. Take a LATE lunch. I go in at 6 in the morning and don't take a break until 1 in the afternoon. Post lunch hours are always the worst! So minimizing the number of those hours is a good idea.

2. Keep a running tab of how much your bank account is increasing after every hour. The only time this hasn't worked for me was when I was working on commission and no one was buying. It was depressing to think, "There goes another hour, and I'm not a dime richer."

3. Don't look at the clock. Clocks were invented by Satan's Girl Scout leader. They don't just keep track of what the time is, they keep track of how slowly time is going. If you want to think about what time it is, you should grossly underestimate. That way, when you look at the clock you have a pleasant surprise.

4. Count stuff. This was a technique I used at Dillards. I counted all the ceiling tiles in my department. I would empty boxes of pins and then count them. I'd also get some wax paper and go over all the bars that hangers go on so that they don't squeak when you slide them. That doesn't really have anything to do with counting and therefore does not belong in this paragraph. I invite you to mentally move it to a more appropriate section of this post.

5. Listen to music. That's of course if your workplace allows it. Mine doesn't. Nazis.

Time for sleep.

Controversy

I'm usually not so controversial on my blog, but I just have to say that THIS is wrong. They should NOT be allowed to marry. It's not natural. Sure, let them do whatever they want, but we shouldn't call it marriage. It's sickening. That's not even the worst thing going on in the world. THIS is also happening! What the freak? What's happening to this country? I'm pretty sure the Bible is pretty clear on this subject.

But wait! I just found something even worse than both of these abominations! THIS is the most putrid disgusting thing anyone could ever witness. It makes a mockery of everything sacred about marriage. I don't even recognize the world I live in. This must truly be the end of days. Oh, wait, they're not married are they? I think they said they wouldn't get married until gay marriage was legal everywhere. We can't let that happen. This unholy union must not take place. Yes to Prop 8!

Looks a lot like Christmas

Snow in April is like a frown on a Wal-mart greeter. It's like a tattoo of a motorcycle riding pig on an Amish milk maid. It's like a liberal on BYU campus. It's like paying seven bucks for a Five Buck pizza. It's like the Backstreet Boys in my CD player. It's just not natural. It shouldn't be. Of course it ALWAYS snows in April and it will probably snow in May, but just because it IS doesn't mean it should be.

Tomorrow is Friday. I live for the weekend. Ever since I beat school, the weekends have been pretty care free. I used to have to study or work on a project or do homework or not do any of those things but feel stressed about the fact that I'm not doing them. Now I can clock out of work Friday afternoon and not think about work again until Monday morning. It's awesome! If any of you are worried about graduating and entering the "real" world, DON'T! It's freaking amazing! Sure, getting an education is great and all, but not having to go to school is a wonderful feeling. Here's to the class of '09. Cheers.

Ms. Issippi

If you want to win a state beauty pageant, let it be Mississippi. You can't miss the reason why. Today was Becca's last day of classes! The thing I miss the least about school is getting to class, sitting down and seeing everyone start passing up some assignment that I had never seen. What?! Did I MISS something? That's a horrible feeling. I also won't miss trying to get a schedule that actually makes sense, instead of having four hour gaps in which I go home, eat, watch TV, and decide it's no bid deal if I miss my next class. For those of you who are not familiar with Mississippi. It's the Magnolia State. It's also the one where if you take it and its mirror image and put them back to back, flip it upside down and color it pink it kind of looks like someone skinned a pig and hung it up on their wall.

Asthma

Once upon a time I was in Boy Scouts. While in Boy Scouts I was able to be in the Order of the Arrow. To join the Order of the Arrow I had to go through the "ordeal". I don't remember what was supposed to be the ordeal. Maybe it was working outside all day and only eating some crackers for lunch or something. The real ordeal was that right when I started working, I had an asthma attack and didn't have my inhaler. I didn't tell anyone because I thought this whole Order of the Arrow thing was actually important and I didn't want to look like a wuss. So, I suffered all day and my asthma was always causing me problems. Then at night I woke up and couldn't breathe so I started going from sleeping bag to sleeping bag waking people up and asking them if they had asthma and had an inhaler with them. No one did, so I just got back in my sleeping bag and concentrated on trying to force oxygen through the narrow passage way to my lungs. After not sleeping that night, I got up and worked the next day. Finally, the camp ended, my mom picked me up and took me home, and I was able to take a couple puffs and feel relief. My lungs instantly opened up and I could breathe again. That was probably the happiest moment of my life up to that point.

For old times's sake

When I was in college this video would keep me and my roommates up at night. It was hard to sleep when the world was so awesome.

Do you ever?

Do you ever stare in a mirror and try to dilate your eyes by altering your emotional state?

Do you ever split yourself into different personalities because it's the only way you can find to organize your varying thoughts and feelings?

Do you ever read White Ninja Comics and think "What the crazy?"


Do you ever find meaningless deceit and trickery to be the most fun that can be had?

Do you ever say that someone's timing is a "horrible cake-eater" or call them "silly vats of incoherent lint"?

Do you ever wish you had one of these?



If you answered yes to zero or more of these questions, this is the blog for you. Come back soon and often. Thank you.

Daily Life

I've been neglecting to record my day to day activities. This was today:

Becca's cell phone went off at 6:45 just like every morning. I got up and turned on the heat and went back to bed. The alarm went off again at 7:00 and I got up for good, showered, ate an apple, and wondered if 1:00pm Kyle would be mad at me for only eating an apple. Then I brushed my teeth, dropped Becca off at work, drove to Springville, clocked in at work, and sat down at my computer. I didn't have any emails, so I read some results from the day before and cleaned up a bit. Paola asked me to look into equipment to do some testing for anaerobic bacteria so I looked into it for a while and saw a few different things ranging from 15,000 dollars to 600 dollars. I decided that I'll have to talk to her and figure out how fancy we want to get before I research any further. Then I set up some samples and started to get mad a 7:30am Kyle for only eating an apple. That jerk. I eventually went to lunch. I ate a ham sandwich and questioned the existence of the world. After lunch I set up more samples, did some data entry, and then went home. Becca was almost finished with a delicious chicken scallopine dinner. 5:15 Kyle was very grateful for 5:15 Becca. In fact, 9:00PM Kyle is grateful for 5:15 Becca even though he has never met her. All he knows is that there's a good feeling in his insides and 5:15 Becca is responsible for it.

Is there a funnier word?

Poop. That's right. I said it. Nothing is taboo for me. The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader is full of it (poop). Some of my favorite paragraphs are when there is some kind of danger and they all run up to the poop, or dance on the poop, or clean the poop, or even the time when a giant sea serpent almost squeezes the poop. THAT is classic comedy and I am forever grateful to the genius of C.S. Lewis. Becca has been sick for almost a week now. It's no fun for her and she has a ton of work to get done before the end of the semester, but after that, it's all over! We will do nothing but have fun for the rest of our lives! Here's the plan for after Becca graduates. I haven't discussed it with her yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine with it. First, we'll be homeless for a while. Everyone will be homeless at some point in their life, so we'll get it over with in the beginning so that we can appreciate being homeful later on. We'll save up money from our amateur ventriloquist/sword swallowing act we do on the streets and then spend it on tattoos. Hopefully we will get the Guiness World Record for most tattooed homeless couple and then get the world record for the most extensive laser tattoo removal performed on a homeless couple. Our fame will earn us enough money to buy a 1996 Geo Metro and some gas, so we'll drive to California and I'll find a job as a Micro/Molecular Biologist and we'll rent for a while and then we'll have some kids and buy a house and shock our neighbors with our incredible homeless/ventriloquist/sword swallowing/tattooing/untattooing/record winning story.

Shopping Spree

We've been doing a good job at reaching our savings goals. I'm proud of us. If we spent all of our money, we could buy one of the following items from the classifieds.





When we got married ten and a half months ago I had just paid off my debt and we had $ 0.00 Now we could have $0.00 and a HORSE! That is so awesome! I could ride my horse to work and tie it to a lamp post in the parking lot! Me and Becca could ride it to the dollar theater and then go feed it some grass, or peanut butter! That motorcycle would be pretty cool too.