I've been thinking about money a lot today and have decided to dedicate a blog to one of my favorite roots of all evil. Here are some financial tips I've either heard about or made up.1. Set up a website that directs people to another website that pays you money for referrals. Even better, charge people a fee to join your program and then "pay" them to set up websites that direct people to your website and then direct them instantly to the main website. Soon, you're right in the middle of a low cost, low risk internet pyramid scheme.
2. Sell drugs for a major drug lord. Even better, pay other people to sell the drugs for you. And they can get people to sell drugs for them. Soon, you're right in the middle of a high risk, high cost illegal pyramid scheme.
3. Slip and fall. The trick to this is to always be aware. Always be on the look out for potential hazards in public places. Say you're in the store and you see a wet spot with no wet floor sign. All you need to do is slip and pretend to injure yourself. Have your doctor friend write up a report and then sue the store. Settle for a moderate amount of money, pay the doctor friend and lawyer, and you'll have enough left over for a trip to Costco or a tank of gas.
4. Print Money. As long as you print small bills you can totally get away with it. The only problem is that the paper you'll need to buy in order to make it look like a real bill is actually more expensive than the worth of a real dollar. You can get around this by cutting up a newspaper and depositing the pieces with any blind bank teller wearing gloves.
5. Offer to pay people in gas cards. You would be amazed that gasoline is worth more than money. People would rather have a 5 dollar gas card than 6 dollars cash. Next time you go to a yard sale. Bring a couple 20 dollar gas cards. I'm thinking of buying my first house in gas cards personally. The more expensive gas gets, the more valuable gas cards become, even though the exact opposite is true.
6. Go to Craigslist and look for items in the 'free' section. Go and get them. Then get on eBay and post the same items with the same descriptions only put *RARE* or *ANTIQUE* before them. Those old sneakers and bike tires will sell like hot cakes.
7. Write a book. Publishing and advertising is expensive, and writing takes a lot of work, but there are ways around it. Here's an idea. Write down a few pages of really weird stuff that you think no one in their right mind would want to read. Then print off a few copies from the Internet and leave them in places like obscure coffee shops, gelato shops, and any other shops that only sell one item, but in a lot of varieties. It's essential that it is a shop and not a store. A boutique is even better. A lampshade store is a bad idea, a lampshade shop is a better idea, and a lampshade boutique is the best idea. Soon young weird hipsters will be banging down your door willing to pay wads of cash for "Delirious Dan and his Delightful Doppelganger".
8. Take anything you find on the street. Glue some Googly Eyes on it. Sell it at the flea market.
9. Build up good credit. Get lots of credit cards. Buy everything you would ever want. Leave the country.
10. Go to Vegas and bet everything you have at the roulette table. If you lose...refer to tips 1-9. If you win. Great.
Goodbye Platinum. May your next fiscal year be filled with happy and wealthy customers. I'm down to my last 30 minutes as a collections agent. It's been really busy the past couple of hours. A lot of people calling in with problems. Someone just called in and started telling me her problem (and boy is it a sticky problem), so I had to stop her and say, "let me be honest with you. Today is my last day and I'm off in an hour." She didn't care. So many people have given her the runaround that I guess she was desperate for someone to help her. She was really nice though. I'd like to take a moment to make a list of the things I liked most about working in collections.
