It's over.

I just took my last final. Well, I got an A in three of my classes. I don't think I will get an A in physics though. The first half of the class I had a 103% and then I failed the second half of the class and got a C on the final. Oops. I guess that's what I deserve for not going to class, never going to a review, and not even sitting down to talk with a TA even though my very own roommate is one. I'm already signed up to retake Organic Chemistry. History is a wild card. I'm just glad it's over. I like dogs AND cats. The secret's out.

Prom 2002

 
 
 
 

Here are some pictures of Jessica and me getting ready to go to prom. There is also a picture of two people I don't know at prom. I don't even remember taking the picture. It looks like the guy doesn't want me to be taking the picture. That must not be his girlfriend

This video was probably made by a punk. I can tell because of the emphasis put on being an individual and different from everyone else. I don't really think most punks are just "being themselves". They want to fit in with fellow punks just like anyone else wants to fit in with their own groups. Anyway, I like it because it's a nice gesture. He didn't deserve to die.

Punks

I was looking up pictures of Stanley Marsh and I found this one of him and Brian Deneke at Cadillac Ranch. Brian Deneke is a well known name in the Amarillo punk community. He's like a martyr. I was in the eighth grade when one morning I came out of my room and heard my sister crying in the bathroom. I found out later that she was listening to the radio while taking a shower when they announced that Brian had been murdered the previous night. A fight had broken out between some punks and jocks in a parking lot. I think it was a Denny's or Ihop parking lot. From what I remember hearing, Brian was knocked unconscious with a bat and then Dustin Camp, a jock from Amarillo High, ran over Brian with his car. Dustin's famous line before running over Brian was, "I'm a Ninja in my Caddy" referring to the fact that his fighting was best done behind the wheel of his car. What's most sickening about the event was the trial of Dustin Camp. The defense's main case was that Brian Deneke was a menace to society and deserved to die. He tried to make it sound like Dustin did Amarillo a favor by killing Brian. So with no question of the fact that he killed Brian, and with testimony from his friends showing that Dustin intentionally ran him over, he got probation. Dustin Camp intentionally murdered Brian Deneke and got probation. Punk's weren't the only ones outraged. 20/20 did a story on it and came to Amarillo. A lot of people I knew were interviewed for it. I wish I had a recording. oh well. When Dustin got probation I was out eating some pizza with friends as they planned revenge. At first I thought they were just making empty threats, but then I realized some of them were serious. They didn't end up doing it though. I bet they realized that "upstanding young football players" get probation for murder, but punks would be hanged. The years that followed there would be Brian Deneke memorial concerts annualy. I had friends that worked for Stanley Marsh, but the only time I've ever talked to him was at one of these concerts. He was good friends with Brian and said that hearing that Brian had been killed was the saddest day of his life. Brian wasn't a bad kid. He was a punk. He dressed differently and listened to different music. Apparently that made him a menace to society. Apparently he didn't deserve to live. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Luckily Dustin was an idiot. He violated his probation by drinking under-age. He finally went to jail......for drinking beer. Not for murder. For violating his probation.

News Tuff

There's some new stuff going on. My ex-brother-in-law's trial was supposed to be Monday, but luckily he plea bargained, so my little niece didn't have to testify. He ended up getting twenty years with a possibility of parole at ten years. That's pretty good news. In other news, I'm going to Chicago in a couple weeks. I found 50 dollar plane tickets and just couldn't pass up the chance to go visit Abby and see what Chicago is like. It looks like I'll be staying with Abby and her boyfriend while I'm there, but Abby will have to work most days so I'll be flying solo most of the time. I like going off by myself and exploring, so this should be fun. In other other news, Orange day was a lot of fun. The date went well, even though we were kind of rushed to get everything ready for it. Saturday night was the pinnacle of Orange day when Amanda, Cannon, and I got a baseball bat and smashed oranges.

I'm on to you.

I'm on to you life. I know you've been plotting against me. I know you want to destroy me. I bet you thought that I was at the breaking point. You thought just one more disappointment, just one more rejection, just one more well placed dagger would be the final blow. Well you thought wrong you bony pitcher of fickle dust! You underestimated me you amoeba infested maggot spleen, just like too many people have, just like I have! That's right. I'm not giving up! I will not be defeated you crooked concoction of raw old diapers. Your best effort is a raw toothache you mediocre box of stupid lent! I will defeat YOU. YOU will fail. You pushed me too far you dumb vase of stupid pimples. I'm on to you and I'm spreading the word. Soon everyone will know what an unemployed butt full of gross galoshes you are. All I have to say is BRING IT ON! Give me your best shot. I'll take everything you can dish out you fermented flatulence! You egg sucking, blubber loving COMMUNIST! You ugly barrel of satanic advertisements! You unsuccessful old box of silly vulture droppings! You less than pleasant moldy pumpkin! You sub-par fart knocker! You infested pit of blundering ugliness!
You've unleashed your own worst nightmare. I'm coming after you. Prepare for war, buttmunch.

Can't Sleep

Well, here I am at 5:19 am posting on my blog. My mind is racing and I can't stop it from thinking unpleasant thoughts, and lots of them. Other than that, this weekend has been really great. It has probably been the most social weekend I've had in a very long time. Friday night was fun with Amanda, HaaWWwhhhit, Nikki, and Megan after work. I don't know how much detail I'm supposed to give about it, but it was fun. Then Saturday I slept in till ten and then got up and went to the ward BBQ where I ate my little heart out and then played ultimate croquet. I was on Alan's team. We used some pvc pipe as our mallet. Then we came home and set up for the Skittlebrow Jam. Not too many people showed up, but it wasn't meant to be a very large production anyway. Megan and Ashly from our freshman year came. It was great to show them around our apartment and not be ashamed of how it looks/smells. Then after cleaning up after the jam we went to Jenny Lynn's birthday party. I didn't know what to expect since I don't know the girls from that apartment too well, but I was pleasantly surprised. They're awesome. We had one metric ton o' fun. Then we went to five buck pizza to get some "real" food after all that Skittlebrow. After that I went to watch The Hudsucker Proxy with Kate and Jordyn. I love that movie so much that I have never just lent it to someone. I always end up watching it with them instead. It's beauty can be subtle at times, so I like to make sure everyone is paying attention and gets everything they can out of the viewing experience. I wish I could just go to sleep now. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two.......Counting Sheep isn't helping. Maybe I'll just explore the world of facebook and memorize all the names of my friends' friends.

No Rescue in Sight

Just to clear something up. I don't think not getting the internship makes me a loser. I think I didn't get the internship because I already was a loser. I know some winners, and I'm not one of them. They deserve to be winners though, and I probably deserve to be a loser.

I feel like I spent a long time on a sinking raft in the middle of the ocean. I spent my energy trying to fix the raft and make it to land, but it was futile. The raft finally sank completely and I was left stranded in the middle of the ocean. I was getting tired and swimming was becoming difficult, but I knew a rescue boat was coming so I kept on trying. But when the rescue boat came, it passed me by. It either didn't see me, or didn't think I was worth saving. So, now I'm treading water alone in the ocean. My head sinks under the water occasionally and I have to give a burst of energy to get myself back to the surface. No hope in sight. Nothing to look forward to. Despair.

The internship was my rescue boat. It was going to get me out of Provo where I could heal and regain my strength, but it passed me by. No hope in sight. Nothing to look forward to. Despair.

I know that I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way, but that knowledge doesn't take away any of the pain or make it any easier to swim. Since everyone has felt this way at some time, I expect everyone to know that it's not easy to snap out of it. I am hard on myself because there is no one else to be hard on. There's no one else to blame. It's my fault I ended up alone in the ocean on a raft with no safety gear or provisions. I just need another rescue boat. Maybe my backpacking trip with Braxton will bring me to shore, or maybe something completely unexpected will save me. Please understand that when I call myself a loser and I feel worthless and foolish it's only because I'm not thinking rationally. I've been at sea for a long time and it's hard for someone who is thinking irrationally to have enough rational thoughts to pull himself out of irrationality and back into rationality. Did that make any sense?