Sunday, April 01, 2007

No Rescue in Sight

Just to clear something up. I don't think not getting the internship makes me a loser. I think I didn't get the internship because I already was a loser. I know some winners, and I'm not one of them. They deserve to be winners though, and I probably deserve to be a loser.

I feel like I spent a long time on a sinking raft in the middle of the ocean. I spent my energy trying to fix the raft and make it to land, but it was futile. The raft finally sank completely and I was left stranded in the middle of the ocean. I was getting tired and swimming was becoming difficult, but I knew a rescue boat was coming so I kept on trying. But when the rescue boat came, it passed me by. It either didn't see me, or didn't think I was worth saving. So, now I'm treading water alone in the ocean. My head sinks under the water occasionally and I have to give a burst of energy to get myself back to the surface. No hope in sight. Nothing to look forward to. Despair.

The internship was my rescue boat. It was going to get me out of Provo where I could heal and regain my strength, but it passed me by. No hope in sight. Nothing to look forward to. Despair.

I know that I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way, but that knowledge doesn't take away any of the pain or make it any easier to swim. Since everyone has felt this way at some time, I expect everyone to know that it's not easy to snap out of it. I am hard on myself because there is no one else to be hard on. There's no one else to blame. It's my fault I ended up alone in the ocean on a raft with no safety gear or provisions. I just need another rescue boat. Maybe my backpacking trip with Braxton will bring me to shore, or maybe something completely unexpected will save me. Please understand that when I call myself a loser and I feel worthless and foolish it's only because I'm not thinking rationally. I've been at sea for a long time and it's hard for someone who is thinking irrationally to have enough rational thoughts to pull himself out of irrationality and back into rationality. Did that make any sense?

12 comments:

calcon2007 said...

Just because you didn't get the internship, doesn't mean that you are any less of a person. Thanks for being a good friend.

Lillian said...

I know this is probably going to sound over-used and insincere, but as someone who is dealing with a really awful situation as well right now... Christ is better than a rescue boat. He doesn't just float, he walks on water. Just let him pull you up once in a while... which, while it's easier said than done, is really the only way to get out.

Kyle said...

Thanks Lil. I agree with your counsel. And thanks calcon2007. I don't know how good of a friend I am since I'm not even sure who you are. I have an idea, but I'm not sure. Did you ever go on a horrible date involving a tent?

calcon2007 said...

None of my dates have ever been horrible, except that one time when I locked my keys in my car. But no tents were involved.

Kyle said...

Hmmmm.... Are you me?

Jacob said...

Unless my name changed form Jacob to Kyle, I would not be you.

Adam Channer said...

Kyle
You are the freaking man. I mean that. I think you should know that maybe you think you are taking this badly, but I would not be near as coherent or rational as you have been in similar circumstances. You are bigger than this, and it shows...
Never let it be said that Kyle V. was not a man of integrity.

Whitney said...

i'll second that

Whitney said...

Hey come and play with me and amanda this weekend! we're gonna go to a petstore and pet bunnies, puppies,and any other -ies and play betrayal etc.

Sara Elise said...

third!

Alan said...

Kyle-

That was me driving the rescue boat. Maybe next time buddy.

Becca said...
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