Monday, November 20, 2006


WARNING: This post contains an attempt to discuss things that are going on inside my head to a general audience that is either not aware of my current circumstances or not interested in the details. It's probably confusing. Reader discression is advised.

I am divided into three parts. One part deals with emotions and feeling. He is responsible for my desires, my passion, my love, my disappointment, my discouragement, my sadness. He worries about things being right or wrong(moral or immoral).The second part of me is all about logic. He only cares about probabilities, patterns, and trends. He worries about things being right or wrong(correct or incorrect). His intentions are very good. He wants to keep the three of us safe. The third is the one that people see. People get to know the third. He's the one that governs. He listens to the first two and makes the decision of how to act/what to do. When I say the word "I" or "me" I am referring to all three, but the third is the one speaking for the other two. For too long now, the three have been fighting. The first will feel something and request that action be taken. The second will point out possible undesired consequences of taking any action. And the third will usually pick a side. Then it can get ugly. If one is ignored too often they can cause a lot of problems until they finally get recognized again. The third isn't nice to the other two. He's been know to say things like, "That's so stupid!", "Why did you do that?", "What were you thinking?", "Idiot!", "Fool!".

It has been easy for me to be understanding and patient with other people, but hard for me to treat myself the same way. I'm learning to work better though. It's never wrong to feel how I feel. I need to pay more attention to it. The more I suppress and ignore my feelings, the less passion I have for life, and the less creativity I possess. No longer will the third say to the first, "You shouldn't feel that way. It's stupid. I'm only listening to Logic from now on." How I feel is important. All three can begin to work together. Recently the first two were fighting. The first brought a feeling to the attention of the third and the second was quick to point out the trend of what happens when this feeling surfaces. The pattern pointed out by the second was very convincing, but the newly enlightened third came up with a brilliant idea that allowed the first to continue feeling what it was feeling while avoiding the pattern pointed out by the second. I'm so much better off because of it. I'm nicer to myself. I'm not as judgemental. When I do poorly on an exam I won't yell at logic for not being smarter, and when I'm discouraged or heartbroken, I won't blame it on the foolishness of acting on my feelings. I can act on my feelings and be logical. They can coexist.

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