Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Drowning out the roar of my industrial strength vacuum cleaner were the synchronized voices of 25 girls screaming "NO!" in a room across the hall. The women's self-defense class was meeting in the dance room. It was unsettling for a moment. No is somewhat a negative word and it was like they were screaming it at me. What was I doing wrong? The class ended and all the girls passed me as they walked down the hall. Nothing but smiles and laughter. I'm sure they all felt great. They got to scream and get some exercise. All the stress of school, work, relationships and whatever else girls worry about was gone. It was all expelled through their vocal chords. All the frustration and anxiety transformed into an echo off the mirrored walls. There were a few girls; however, that had a different attitude. As they passed, they stared me down as if to say, "I could kick your trash." I believe it. They're taking a class on how to injure men! I've never taken a class on how to injure WOMEN! I'm just not as well educated or trained as they are. Before you know it I would be on the ground begging them to just leave me alone. What if women let this power go to their heads? I can see it now.
"Excuse me ma'am can I see some ID?" asked the friendly guard.
"NO!" screamed the woman as she kicked him repeatedly in a place that is ridiculously cliche.

Women could take over the world. Our only defense would be instructors of Self-defense classes and scum bags that have experience in attacking women. Oh well, if they did take over the world I'm sure we would be kept around as servants, or at least pets.

Seriously. It's a good thing. I want the women I know to be safe. It scares me to see so many girls walking alone late at night. Especially with all the creepy guys I also see. Self-defense classes: a great investment.

On a side note, if someone were to attack ME, my most vulnerable moment is when I'm walking home from work. Every night between 11:40 and 11:45 I get hit in the face by the spray of a sprinkler right before crossing 300 East. After I cross the street I take off my glasses to dry them on my shirt. Right there. There is never anyone around. I'm tired. I'm not paying attention. And I'm blind. Perfect opportunity. Sorry, would be assailants. Now that I recognize this weakness I will take steps to correct it.

1 comment:

Lillian said...

You know Kyle, if I didn't live in Germany I would definitely hide out waiting for the sprinkles to go off just so I could attack you. It would be great fun for me, and being a girl, I wouldn't get into trouble for it either! There are certainly advantages to being a member of the fair sex. Good luck with us, friend, you're going to need it.