Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I had my first depersonalization episode last night. It worried me at the time, because it seemed really weird and a little scary, but I just went to bed hoping everything would be normal in the morning. Luckily I was right. It turns out depersonalization is extremely common so it's funny I don't remember ever hearing about it before. It's also nothing to worry about. One isolated episode isn't indicative of any mental illness although I admit I felt like I was going crazy.

You may find this interesting, but I won't go into too much detail because there is a chance you may not find this interesting. It was about ten o'clock at night and I was flipping through tv channels to confirm that nothing good was on and everything was still right with the world. I then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. I mean...I recognized myself as if my reflection were an acquaintance of mine, but not ME. I looked at myself and moved my lips and scrunched up my nose, but the movements were unfamiliar and disconnected as if someone were copying my movements, but not even very well. I felt there was a slight time lag between my movements and the movements in the mirror. I felt like I was in an episode of Quantum Leap.

I then started to ask myself, if this reflection isn't mine what do I EXPECT myself to look like? I couldn't answer that. I finally decided that something weird was going on and I should stop looking in the mirror and just go to sleep before I really freaked myself out.

Walking to bed everything felt uncertain and unreal. I was afraid that I was dreaming and the dream could turn into a nightmare. I imagined a monster breaking down the door and coming after me. Due to my strange frame of mind it felt entirely possible, so I curled up and just hoped I would either fall asleep or wake up before it happened.

Okay, I went into more detail than I planned. I apologize. Anyway, I recognize myself just fine now and feel nicely anchored in reality.


KJV said...

Just imagine my face in the mirror next time ... that'll snap you back to reality.

KJV said...

Not quite the same thing, but reminds me of a passage from Henry David Thoreau in Walden: "However intense my experience, I am conscious of the presence and criticism of a part of me, which, as it were, is not a part of me, but a spectator, sharing no experience, but taking note of it ... When the play, it may be a tragedy, of life is over, the spectator goes his way."

Becca said...

This is alarming! You've been alone too long.