New Year, New Resolutions

So far I've been quite pleased with 2010. This feels like my year, although, according to Chinese Restaurants my year is the year of the rat and won't happen again until I'm 36. Speaking of being 36, I'm trying really hard to be more athletic, or rather make people think I'm athletic. Being athletic was never a priority for me when I was younger. I attribute this to the fact that I associated athleticism with popularity, and I associated popularity with jerkiness. It seems more and more important as I get older though. The person I want to be plays tennis, runs 3 miles a day, throws around a football with friends, etc... I don't want that to be what my life is about, but I want it to be a part of my life. The principle road block in achieving this is the fact that I have vehemently avoided any form of physical activity for the past 25 years. I gots no skillz yo! I've never been good at throwing a football. When I play tennis I'm really good at knocking the ball over the fence, but unfortunately home runs don't count in tennis. As for running, I usually push myself too hard and fall down in a sweaty sick heap of asthma. Gross. Anyway. Being more athletic is a goal of mine this year.

Neti Pot

Today a coworker introduced me to the joy of the neti pot. I'll never drink my tea the same way again.

Know Thyself

My tongue is absolutely destroyed. We got in a shipment of citric acid and I went to town. Once I felt the burning I drank a ton of water and did my best to dilute the acid and minimize the damage, but it was to no avail. I hope it doesn’t ruin our New Year’s Eve celebration tonight. Becca doesn’t know it, but I’m going to leave work early to start the celebration sonner than planned. That way we can spend more time anticipating midnight, the end of the old us, and the beginning of the new us.

Phrenology is very interesting to me. I like to take the little I know about it and assume I know everything. I have a ridge in my skull that indicates Approbativeness, Concientiosness, and Hope. Other bumps indicate Combativeness and Vitativeness. I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself. The problem is that my diagnosis changes depending on the chart I look at. They all seem to be pretty different. I think I’ll do it with all the charts until I find the one that seems to be the most accurate description of my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and aptitudes. That’s good science right? If that chart is correct for me, it would be correct for everyone right? Of course it would be.

Vitativeness. I had to look up what this one means. Apparently it is the love of life and fear of death. I suppose I love life and fear death. Suicide has never been that appealing to me. Mostly because I think it’s inconsiderate, rather than because of a fear of death. You cause so much paperwork for people, and someone has to find you, and they have to clean up whatever mess you made. Even if I felt like no one would miss me and everyone would be better off, I think of the poor person who has to type up the police report.

Approbativeness. I had to look this one up too. I think it’s the desire for praise and recognition. That sounds like me. If it means the desire to give praise and recognition, no, that’s not me. Needless to say, the self-esteem section of my skull is as flat as a pancake.

If the mole on my head counts as a bump, it represents Secretiveness. Cool. From now on I’ll refer to my mole as my “sneaky mole”, but only in a whisper.

The First Real Snow!

It's the first real snow of the season, and I am so excited! It's time for snowmen, snowball fights, snow angels, snow tag, snow fiscal planning, and snow reading news online! It's time for Christmas music, which I'm listening to right now, hot chocolate, which I'll be having a little bit later, and wrapping presents, which Becca has taken care of so far this year.

This year is a Vaughn Christmas, so we're headed to Amarillo for a week. I think the last time we went was for Braxton's wedding. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family that I haven't seen in a while and eating at Rosa's Cafe Tortilla Factory! If you are ever going anywhere in Texas you should go here first and see if there is a Rosa's near by. If you have a GPS in your car, I would recommend marking all the locations, just in case.

Just because it's snowing doesn't mean we can't still enjoy some summertime pleasures. Today we're having a cookout on our balcony. The menu includes steak, grilled asparagus, rolls, fettuccine, and fruit punch. I'm salivating. I really am. This is going to be good.

Becca!!! Come Back!!!

I'm fine. I don't need anyone. I'm independent. :,(

What I learned today.

The reason chicken has to be cooked all the way through is that it is spongier than beef and pork. Steak and pork are thick enough that all the bacteria stays on the surface of the meet so a quick toss on the grill is enough to kill any bad stuff. Chicken on the other hand has bacteria throughout and therefore needs to be cooked all the way through to ensure a safe piece of meat.

Something about me.

An episode of "Friends" has made me cry.

What I'm Doing

I'm watching a Disney Channel movie. I just had a corn dog for dinner, so I'm thinking of getting something else to eat before I call it a night. I'm living the dream.

So kind. So caring.

KJV was right!
He's pardoning a turkey in each picture! I love this tradition. I hope it continues with Obama.

What's He Up To?

Here are some pictures of George W. Bush. Can you guess what he is doing in each picture? Here are some options to choose from. Not all options will be used and options can be used more than once.

Giving a speech

Dodging a shoe

Telling a joke

Signing a document

Cutting a cake

Pardoning a turkey

Checking out Condoleeza Rice

Receiving a Medal

I love George W. Bush. Can you believe people still call him a war monger? Look at the guy! That's ridiculous. Okay, Okay, everyone has a right to call him a war criminal or whatever if they want, but I reserve the right to call Obama a communist. Fair is fair.

I'm home alone again. Becca is paying California a visit. Today I took her to the airport, came home and cleaned. Then I went to Home Depot to get supplies for some little projects I wanted to do. Now the house is clean and the projects are done and I still have a lot of night left. I think I'll watch TV until I pass out. Oh yeah, and our couch came today! It's beautiful. I'd take a picture, but the batteries are dead in my camera and I'm sure Becca has hers with her in California. I may blog about it later, but most likely I'll just wait and let Becca do it. She's better at that kind of thing than me.

Eliza

"My name is Eliza."

"I'm trapped in a baby's body."

"AND I CAN'T GET OUT!"

"At least I don't have work tomorrow. Suckers."

Scarf

I like to wear it...

I like to do it...

A Very Long Wait

Raise your hand if you have ever found yourself at the end of a very long line of people and your only consolation is that although you have not moved forward in the line for the past half hour, the line has grown behind you giving you the illusion of progress and making you appreciate that at least you're not one of the bozos who happened to show up a couple minutes later than yourself. Thank you, you may put down your hands now. Waiting to move in to our condo is SO MUCH WORSE! Can you believe it?! WORSE. I feel like I walked up to the door and knocked. Someone answered and said, "What can I do for you." I responded, "I would like to purchase this home." They replied, "Why of course! Just wait one second". The door closed and I've been standing in the same place waiting for the door to open again for a month. Sometimes I hear footsteps and I think they're coming to end my wait, but inevitably the footsteps fade away along with my hope. With any luck, we'll have the keys Tuesday or Wednesday though.

Raise your hand if seeing bratty no good rotten children in public or on shows like Super Nanny actually make you WANT to have children. MY hand is raised. Part of me believes that I will never have children who behave so poorly, and another part of me likes the idea of a good challenge. I'm already looking up brainwashing techniques. Am I tempting fate? I don't know, and what I don't know can't hurt me.

Raise your hand if you think feminist blogs are comedy's gift to man. I'm not even talking about their hatred of men or outrage over things that men do, or contempt for women who like men. I'm talking about the funny pictures and videos they post. You know what? I recognize that women are treated differently than men, and you know what? It can be funny sometimes. I'm pretty sure that's the point they want to get across. www.feministing.com

Hey, how's it going?

Long time no blog. Thank you for reading my blog. It makes it feel good about itself. I was talking to it just the other day and it was all like, "You know what? a lot of cool people read me, and I hope some of their coolness rubs off on me". I agree. A lot of cool people read this blog. I know of one absolute moron who reads it too, but everyone else is cool.

Some stuff happened, so here's the HEADLINES.

Kyle, Becca Leave Apartment. Complex Mourns.

Becca, Spouse Move in with Council Bluffs, Emily. Neighborhood Rejoices.

EXTRA: Vaughns Buy Condo in Springville.

LA Wins Pennant thanks to Angels in the Outfield!

Good Advice.

The best advice I've ever heard given was from Gavin MacGregor. He wisely stated, "Do what you've gotta do, and make sure it gets done". I really feel like life is better when you take this advice to heart. Here are some historical events involving people who did what they had to do, and got it done.

Some guy in a cool suit showing the Moon it can't stare at us all the time without us flying up there and shoving a flag in its face.

Black children forced to go to school with snotty white brats.

Lab coat man cures Polio and destroys the evil crutches and iron lung industries.

This Pizza.

A great man.

The main reason I don't like zombie movies is all the gore. Especially the Al Gore.

What do you call it when Al Gore dances?.......... Algorithm (Al Gore Rhythm)

What do you call a fear of being in open spaces with Al Gore?.........Algoraphobia

Those are some of my Al Gore jokes. I just felt like they should be published for posterity's sake.

We just went and saw the new Night at the Museum movie at the dollar theater. It was surprisingly awesome. You know when something is funny, but then it goes on too long and it's not funny anymore, but then it keeps going and it's funny again, and then at the end of the movie they do the same gag again, but with Hank Azaria, and it starts to get old, but then it's over and you wish it didn't stop? That happened. Minds were blown.

Home Alone - Day 8 - Ambiguity

It's been over a week now and I think I've been holding up just fine.



Sockman's so silly. We don't even have the same prescription. Psh.


At work we've been having problems with the ambiguity of the english language. The particular problem we face is the term "biweekly". My good friends Merriam and Webster can't seem to agree on the subject. Merriam says that it means occurring twice a week, and Webster says it means occurring every two weeks. Come on Merriam-Webster! You're supposed to be a united front! Can context clues help us decide which definition someone is using? Let's see.

"Okay, listen up, it's extremely important that you take this medication biweekly. No more and no less."
"You have a choice of weekly beatings or biweekly beatings, which do you want?

What gives?! We have to do something about this. I have always believed biweekly to mean every two weeks, but when that assumption was challenged and Merriam-Webster let me down, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE! Here are our options.

1. Use the terms twice weekly, and every two weeks exclusively
2. Use biweekly to mean twice a week and use fortnightly to mean every two weeks
3. Use the terms biweekly, homoweekly, and heteroweekly in whatever way we see fit
4. Use either 26 or 104 times yearly.

Whatever we do, we need a consensus!

Home Alone - Day 3 - Itchin' for the Kitchen

After getting the oil changed today I took a drive to my neighborhood Savers where I became the proud owner/operator of four small mugs. I took them home and made some mug cakes (Fig 1), but when I made a phone call to have someone come help me eat them, I got an answering machine. That made me sad (Fig 1).



Then I realized that reducing the number of consumers reduces the scarcity and to my joy I discovered that while the law of diminishing marginal returns applies to 5 Buck Pizza, it does not apply to mug cakes (Fig 2)



I had leftover batter, so I put it in some random container and baked it. I didn't grease the container and when I tried to remove the delicious cake, it crumbled into a huge mess. I'm sure I'm not the only victim of crumbly cake. Here's what you do when that happens. Take the part of the cake that didn't crumble and go ahead and rip it apart until you have pile of crumbs. Then smash them all into a heart shaped cookie cutter. Add heart shaped sprinkles and drizzle on some chocolate sauce. Then present it to your sweetheart. If your sweetheart happens to be in California, then blog about it and let her know how delicious it was after you ate it instead. This is for you Becca! (Fig. 3) It was really good!

Home Alone - Day 2

Monday night I got back from L.A. It was a lot of fun. I can't even begin to give an account of everything we did. Things that come immediately to mind are, going to the beach and playing in the waves, eating corn, staying in a really nice hotel with delicious breakfasts, a ton of meat cooked just the way I like it at Uncle David's, and an easy and painless trip home. Becca is still in California and will be there for quite a while. I don't know how long. I guess she'll call me so I can pick her up from the airport. I'll try to keep an account of what I'm doing to keep my sanity while she's away.

Yesterday I went to work, hung out at DI, got our windshield replaced, vacuumed the car twice, ate at Del Taco with CB, Cannon, and Alan, and talked to Becca on the phone.

Today I went to work, put air in the tires, paid some bills, and now I've been trying to watch a movie on Netflix, but the internet is too slow. Sometimes I dream about a magical place where after 15 years of perfecting the internet, it can actually go fast enough to download a decent Kevin Costner movie. That's just a dream. I thought I was lowering my standards too much when my dreams fell from flying cars to decent internet, but apparently I didn't lower them enough. Now I'd settle for an oven that actually is the temperature you set it to.

See Below

I came home today and Becca was watching Firefly with a friend and the apartment was spotless. Of course I immediately plopped my bag on the kitchen table and proceeded to make a mess, but it was really nice of Becca to give me a clean canvas to make my mess on. Here's to wives and all they put up with. Later we went to Council Bluffs and Emily's to work on our entertainment center. They came out and hung out with us before they went to FHE. Emily helped paint, and CB removed rocks from his lawn so that it will one day be a more comfortable place for Alan to practice hand stands. After that was the highlight of the day - TACO BELL! It's delicious. Here's a picture of our dinner companion.



He was a little yippy and went to the bathroom on the floor, but when he spoke, we lost ourselves in his wisdom and culinary prowess. He taught us the way of the double beef and cheese burrito, the triple layer nachos, the burrito (hold the onion), and the chicken burrito.

Now I'm blogging and Becca is reading. Our stomachs and souls are content. I bet that if I smiled at her right now she would smile back, or throw something at me, but one of those two things. Here we go....she smiled, and called me crazy. I was so right.

New computer.

So I'm blogging from our new computer. It is not a laptop. It is in fact an iMac. I have become used to laptops and would like to put this iMac in my lap however, I cannot. What I CAN do is leave the computer on my desk, take the wireless keyboard, sit in bed, and type away. I can't always be sure that I'm spelling everything correctly since I can't see the screen very well, but spellcheck will help me out a lot.

In answer to you question, "What the hobo are you doing getting a Mac, Kyle?" I'm giving it a shot. Macs have come a long way from the ones I knew in middle school. So far, there are things I like and things that I'm not really comfortable with. It might take some time for me to warm up to it. I like how simple and uncluttered it is. Windows always comes with a ton of junk that no one wants or needs. AOL? Really? Why the Macarena would I want AOL to come installed on my computer? Now that I have excused myself for owning a Mac, we can all get on with our lives.

ButtBook

Some ideas just aren't good. Most of them are mine. Some examples:

1. Wearing shredded jeans, a corduroy jacket covered in buttons and a propeller beanie to middle school.

2. Challenging the intelligence of a would be mugger.

3. Buying a guitar with the sole purpose of painting it blue and smashing it against a brick wall. (It was a small guitar)

Those may be bad ideas, but they are bad ideas that I'm not so secretly proud of.

I just got back from watching 17 Again. It was the best movie ever made, but that's beside the point. Here's the thing. This idea has been made into approximately a million movies and I've seen them all, but here's the thing. Here's the point. This time I felt closer to Matthew Perry than I did Zac Efron. I guess technically I'm closer to 17 than I am to 40, but I feel like I saw the same old story of being thrown back into high school but from a new perspective. I think I'll post an age progression of what I will look like when I'm 40. Here it is.




And here is an age regression of what I will look like when I'm 40 and fall into a magical vortex that makes me 17 again.

I almost choked.

So, I was just sitting at my computer thinking about stuff. While thinking about stuff I had my ring in my mouth. My wedding ring. I had it in my mouth and then the title of this post happened.

One time I was in a hurry to go to class, but also starving. I made a sandwich and started to go up the south stairs while eating. I got tired and started breathing heavily as I tried to eat the sandwich. Then the title of this post happened.

Several years ago at the Olive Garden, I was eating some delicious fried mozzarella sticks. I took a bite and swallowed with out completely biting through the cheese. I had a thick string of cheese traveling from my stomach, past my throat, and into my hand where the rest of the mozzarella stick remained. The title of this post happened.

I'm really sorry about this. I should have known that it isn't a good idea to blog for the sake of blogging. To make up for it, here is a link to sign up for a newsletter and get two dairy queen blizzards for the price of one. Free Blizzard!