Random Quote,Picture

The story behind this picture is that I searched, "random picture", and then "random quote". I was hoping to get something funny. What I got was something that actually made me a little sad. At least I know that the baby will grow up in a world where keyboards are more ergonomic, and the entire series of Seinfeld can be purchased on DVD.

Here is a truth.

Boys always want to impress girls with how loud they can burp, but no boy wants a girl who is impressed with how loud he can burp.

Here is a lie.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

I just went and depressed myself again. I shouldn't be though. Becca isn't impressed with how loud I can burp (and believe me it's really loud) and I have never set my mind to do anything.

On Location

Today I'm blogging on location...in my apartment. So, I cut my finger a while back. It hurt, but Becca was there to hold my hand (my other hand, not the bloody one). The experience taught me ten important life lessons.

1. Never cut your finger
2. If you do, never go to the emergency room.
3. If you do, watch TV while on the hospital bed.
4. Go to Outback after getting stitches.
5. If you do, Never get a burger
6. Get a steak.
7. Never get stitches on Friday the 13th
8. If you do, get 13 stitches
9. Don't get 12 stitches
10. Pay extra for that 13th stitch.

I started my 401K at work today. I chose for all my money to be invested in Sherwin-Williams, because lets face it. Their logo really knows how to stick it to two of my least favorite people: Environmentalists and Non-Imperialists.

2.5 Things about me.

1. I have never read any one's "25 things about me" list.

2. It's only because no one has ever tagged me in one.

3. People think I'm not cool enough. Well, everyone will feel pretty foolish on March 4, 2010 when I...

I hope you enjoyed my 2.5 things. If you would like to subscribe to my newsletter "Things about Kyle : Short Lists for the Listless" please tell me a way that I could make money by getting subscribers to a newsletter and what I should include in such a newsletter.

Valentine's Day

Wow, I can't believe I have been blogging long enough for this to be my 4th Valentine's Day post. This time I got to spend it with my wife. We had a very cultural day. When I say cultural, I mean we got to explore a culture that neither of us was very familiar with. It's a culture of tattoos on men, women, and children. It's a culture of cigarette smoke, beer, and saturated fat. It's a culture of dirt, exhaust, and deafening noise. It's the culture of Monster Trucks. We were very moved by the experience. I think I cried a little.

There's this girl I know who's really awesome. If it weren't for her I would probably never do anything. I would just sit and stare at a wall until the second coming, or a Charles in Charge reunion movie. She's an amazing friend to me and a lot of other people. More importantly, she's an amazing enemy to all of my enemies. (That's right Calista Flockhart, you'd better watch your back) People can count on her. I've only known her for a little over two years, but it's hard to believe that anything existed before her. I love to see her laugh. I wish I could record a video of her laughing, put it on repeat, and play it on some futuristic contact lenses all day, and when anyone asked me why I was so happy to see them, I'd simply reply, "It has nothing to do with you, someone else is making me happy". This girl managed to take the ashes of my self-esteem, reconstitute them into living matter, piece together the broken fragments, smooth all the rough edges, and shine it up like a brand spankin' new monster truck. Plus, as time goes on, and life gets to me, she's always there to apply a new coat of wax. She puts up with my ridiculous metaphors and similes like a hyrax puts up with its closest living relative, the elephant. Her initials were RKA, but now they're RKV. She got married around the same time I did. Her husband is an okay guy, but I like being around him a lot more when she's there. I love her.

Wow I'm starving and need to eat something STAT. By the way, just to remove doubt from anyone's mind, I was talking about Becca.

Korean

Here is an English phrase.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Here is the same phrase translated to Korean and back into English.
How many which lick where does many this it; In order to get in the justice center has and goes; Tootsie lists Pop?

Here is the resulting phrase run though the translation a second time.
Do many this in it where, how many which licks probably is many; Is having and that gets from the process center, goes; Do Tootsie rosters break?

A third time.
The many thing stamp how many is many, is many and probably and this from it which licks in the place; Is having and it goes and from the processing center, gets; Do Tootsie rosters cut off?

Lost in Translation - A poem by Kyle

For which thing which lick to be many,
from place how many is many,
and is, the thing stamp which is many,
the many thing and probably and is this from it;
Is having and it gets
and from the processing center, goes;
Tootsie rosters which are intercepted?

Critical Thinking Exercise 1

In school, teachers would assign the exercises at the end of the chapters. I always loved to hear the words, "Go ahead and skip the critical thinking exercises." Now I want to go back and complete the exercises I skipped; starting with elementary school.

Directions: For each number, explain what the words have in common.

1. California, New York, Mississippi
Nothing. They're not even in the same state. duh...

2. Pizza, French fries, Cheeseburger
They all played a part in killing John Candy.

3. Rose, Daffodil, Carnation
Girls who would have dumped me had I dated them.

4. Washington, Lincoln, Clinton
The -un sound.

5. Red, Blue, Purple
The personality types of my closest friends, and the color purple.

6. Radio, Telephone, CD player
Things I could steal and sell at Jumping Jack Cash pawn shop.

7. Milk, Juice, Soda pop
Things that should only be mixed and consumed when in desperate need of getting a girl's attention in the lunch room.

8. Basketball, Football, Soccer
Things I've always been ashamed of not being good at, but that I am still forced to do in school. The principal causes of embarrassment, trauma, and depression.

9. Newspaper, Book, Magazine
Things that are inferior to Wikipedia, no matter what every BYU english teacher says.

10. Cow, Pig, Horse
Lieutenants in His Majesty's Royal Navy

Beauty

This post is dedicated to some of Nature's more beautiful creations.

The Giant Chinese Salamander


The Star-nosed Mole


The Blobfish


The Slimy Hagfish


The Hairy Angler


The Angelina Jolie

Insight

I hear that Whitney is back from the cold cold land of mother Russia! That would be great, but I don't believe that she's really back. You see, bitofwhit hasn't been updated. If AAAAhhhhhwwwwhit were really back, she would update bitofwhit.

Here's some insight into how my mind works. I always buckle my seat belt. For example, if I'm driving back from Smith's which is two blocks away I'll think, "maybe I won't buckle my seatbelt", but then I always do. Here's the reason. It would be really embarrassing to get in a car accident and die because I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The thought of some news woman putting on a serious face and saying, "A 24 year-old was killed in an automotive accident this Saturday night on his way home from buying hemorrhoid cream. The driver was not wearing his seatbelt" makes me cringe.

Short

I'm blogging from our new wii. It takes a long time, so I will only write that which is most important for the future of the human race. MEATLOAF ROCKS!!! Wow I kind of feel like Nephi.

To Defend My Honor

Becca's picture of our tree made it look tiny! It's not that small. Really. Here's a picture of us standing in front of it. You can clearly see that when put in the proper perspective, it's really a great tree. Here's to you Charlie Brown.

Wordy Water Way Wacky

A co-worker brought this in to work yesterday. It's a real advertisement from a real magazine. Believe me. This is not your ordinary hoody.

Wow. Those are some interesting facts. I mean, of course I knew that the intent of words can change the structure of water. That's basic chemistry/linguistics, but there is no way that we are 70% water. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's amazing what kind of stuff people will make up to earn a buck (in this case 79 bucks). Why don't they just market mugs with positive words written on them? That would make more sense. There's no reason to lie about the make up of the human body. It made them lose all credibility. If I end up buying these for every single friend and family member, It will be because of the giant DNA molocule eating Earth, and not the words printed on the inside, that's for dang sure.

I WIN

There was an election tonight, and it turns out that I won. I would like to thank everyone who voted. I will do my best to not destroy this country. In the next four years I plan to employ a strict program of eugenics. Give me four years of complete submission and I will make Americans stronger, taller, faster, and less diverse. For the economy, I will pay off all our debt. That's something I like to do. First, I'll sell California and New York to the Japanese. That should make some money. Don't worry. I don't want to lose California or New York permanently. We're going to play a little "Trojan horse" game on the Japanese. After we sell it, Californians and New Yorkers will simply revolt. Become their own countries for a few months, and then decide to join the union again. A union with no debt and a robot senate. What about abortion? Well, I say we let the babies decide. We should raise the "to be aborted" baby to the age of 18 and then let it choose if it should be aborted or not. That's fair isn't it? Illegal immigration? Let's just make all immigration legal! Then it won't be a problem. What should we do about Iraq? We'll ignore it. People are bored with it. I also propose we change the flag. Here's what it will now look like. 

It's a frog fighting a snake. I'd salute that. And you will too. 

CB's Ex

I didn't know Council Bluffs's old flame was still in town. Emily had better keep a close eye on him.

Lightning Strikes the Brittle Vein in the Forehead of my Mind

Kyle here, just sitting on the couch watching School of Rock and remembering the time I rented it and took it to Idaho with Lashley and Tania in search of the elusive Civil Defense Caves, tore up my car, had a lot of fun, ran around on a sand dune, had a lot of fun, and drove home while Lashley and Tania watched School of Rock in the back seat. I take credit for their future together. I wonder what they're up to? 

I saw the car of Council Bluffs's old girlfriend today. Picture to be posted soon. 

Also, it's Becca's birthday month! If you see her wish her a happy birthday. It's also my Mom's birthday month! If you see her wish her a happy birthday too. If you see me, don't wish me a happy birthday. You see it's not my birthday month. You see how that goes? I don't know what I'm talking about. 

Tip of the Day - Optimism

Optimism is all about seeing the good in every situation. For example, let's say someone insults the cut of your jib and get's up in your grill every time you see them. Look on the bright side! One day they will be dead and no one will miss them! Let's say you fail an important math exam. Look on the bright side! Seinfeld is probably on! Actually, that's the silver lining in every cloud. 

"I'm sorry, you are terminally ill and only have one month to live....and your dog likes Gilmore Girls"

"Does Seinfeld still exist?"

"Yes"

"Great!"

Large Hobo

Alan owes me a new pair of pants, because a receipt of his made me wet mine. What is a large hobo? I found this image online. It's only one number off the number on his receipt. Hmmm...Sinister. His hobo must have been one of another color. 

After further investigation, I discovered that this must be the large hobo he was talking about. That thing will pay for itself in no time at all. 

Tip of the Day - Teamwork

Teamwork is the art of making people do things for you and making them feel guilty if they don't. I'm not a fan of teamwork because I'm usually the one who is teamworked and not the one teamworking. If anyone ever approaches you with a proposition of teamwork you need to ask them a question followed by a répondre toujours The question is, Whose team? No matter what answer they give, tell them to take their communist propaganda and socioeconomize it with their communal hammer and sickle.

Bear Grylls, Expensive Cars, etc...

Tonight will be a relaxing evening at home with my wife. Becca isn't feeling well, so rest and plenty of fluids will be our nightlife. She's sitting right next to me reading a book about Bear Grylls that I gave her for her Birthday last year. Becca, what's your favorite thing about Bear Grylls? "He has a nephew named Mungo". I think her true favorite thing is the way he drinks his own urine, or compares the color of his urine to the color of his friend's urine. Tonight we also need to clean the house so that Christy never knows how messy our apartment usually is. In it's current state I doubt that Bear Grylls himself could make it from the door to the kitchen. And if he did, he'd have to drink his own urine on the way. 

I'm introducing a new feature on my blog. It's the Tip of the Day. The Tip of the Day doesn't represent the views or opinions of this blogger or his followers. It's meant to be either satirical, sarcastic, silly, or just plain stupid. I love playing devil's advocate. I'd make it a career, but the devil doesn't offer a good 401K. And he doesn't have any scruples. I just can't respect an unholy demon bent on the destruction and captivity of our souls that doesn't have any scruples. 

Tip of the Day - Family Finance

The only way to have enough money to pay for your children's college education is to not have any kids. Is this extreme? Maybe it's possible to do it by just having one less kid. First, decide how many children you want and then have one less. Let's say that number is four for the sake of this tip. It costs about 736,000 dollars to raise four children in a middle class home in the United Stated. If you only have three, you save 184,000 dollars! That leaves you with more than 60,000 dollars per kid. That will pay for a top of the line education. If you're really good at family finance, you won't have a family at all. With that 736,000 dollar "no kid bonus", you could buy this LeBlanc Mirabeau and enough gas to run it for twenty years.

It's a two-seater, which is great. Enough room for you and your groceries on your way back to your lonely apartment so you can eat two and a half bags of Doritos and then lick the processed cheese powder off your fingers while watching Cheaper by the Dozen. 

Jerry-man-der-ring

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Bungee-y!!!!!!








I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Camera-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Bird-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Creep-y!!!!!!

Tied for first place in the greatest sister-in-law competition is Katy Anderson. She gave me a telescopic spy mirror and some bungee cords. Eternal gold medalist in the greatest wife competition, Becca Vaughn, has a great eye for things that I will think are the cat's meow. You should see the cuff links she got me. Yowsers! They rock. She is back in school and loving every minute of it. I'm excited to vicariously learn some Welsh through her. Here is an acrostic describing my adorable wife.

Bear Grylls Enthusiast
Empathetic
Caring
Capri Sun
Arsonist-NOT

Venerable
All That and a Bag of Chips
Uber Classy
Great
Heart of Gold
Norse God of Wisdom...Pretty much

It Needs a Name

What is this? It's the best picture I've ever drawn. It's a picture of the moon escaping backwards from a lasso happy pair of legs with a head and a cowboy hat stuck on somehow. All it needs is a good title. If you want to post a suggestion I would greatly appreciate it. You can also think of something funny and just laugh to yourself without ever telling anyone. I would greatly appreciate that too. Or you can spit at your computer screen in disgust. I wouldn't appreciate it. Your computer wouldn't appreciate it. But you might, so hey. 

I used to feel like that moon. Other times I'd feel like the cowboy, or the lasso. I'm happy to say that at this moment and as of late, I don't feel like anything in this drawing (with the exception of the color teal). I'm pretty happy. I'm not chasing anything. I'm not being chased by anything. I'm not being used by a torso-less cowboy. I'm actually pretty happy. I'm just enjoying life, hanging out with my wife, avoiding strife, sharpening a knife*, and thinking about Chuck Fife. We're out of debt now which feels pretty nice, so now we're saving up for the future. What does the future hold for us? Well, I visited the future* and I didn't like how things were, so I've been working to change them. The problem is that once you change the future you're back at square one and you don't know how anything is going to turn out again. Time travel isn't nearly as glamorous as Bill and Ted make it seem. 

I'm excited for school to start because I'll get to savor the fact that I won't be there. It's too bad that Becca has to go. I'm sorry Becca. It'll be over soon. I promise. 

* Bold-faced Lie

Do you hereby covenant?

I, Kyle, do hereby swear by the honor and livelihood of my chiropractor that I will blog at the very least once a week from this day forward. 

Now that's out of the way, you may be asking yourself why it has been so long since I've blogged. Was I abducted by aliens again? No. Was I on a mission again? No. Was I out declaring my mantra "You madmen! Stop feeding those salamanders!..." to the world? No. Was I just lazy? Yes. I was too lazy to blog. Luckily I've discovered a wonderful chemical that kicked me in the taste buds and dragged me to the computer, held a carboxyl group to my head, and told me to blog. This chemical is none other than the well known yet misunderstood CITRIC ACID. 

I came across a bag of the good stuff and tried making some super sour lemonade, but unfortunately the lemonade became saturated and it was pretty sour, but not what I was expecting, so I took a pinch of pure unadulterated Citric Acid and placed it on my tongue. Yowzers! That stuff is GOOD! Me and Becca are going to see the Dark Knight again and I think I'll bring along my good friend 2-hydroxypropane-1,2,3-tricarboxylic acid. Who needs sour patch kids?

My hope is that frequent blogging will help me step it up and get more excited about polluting the internet with my life. I just need to renew my love for blogs. I want to go back to the day when blogs were "secret" yet all too public. The days when we would plan doing something outrageous just to see if we would be mentioned in someone's blog for it. 

Ode to Modest Midnight Showers

Closing eyes in hopes of rest,

sweaty shirt stuck to my chest,

beads of sweat form on my face,

I'm already a basket case.

 

I need relief from this steamy sheet

I've got a beef with the summer heat

To the shower for half an hour

Till all my clothes are soaked with power

Back to bed to feel the breeze

of the fan that cools my knees

Asleep to dream of want and wishing

Of the day when I'll have air conditioning.

Listen to this......Put aside your misplaced values and tireless pride for one moment and listen to the advice of a young man trying to help you. HAVE GOOD AIR CONDITIONING and USE IT. My life is completely different now. I fall asleep without having to shower with all my clothes on. No box fans. No sweltering heat. Only love and comfort. I used to be miserable from June 1st to September 1st. There was no escaping the heat. Me and Alan used to have a thermometer in our room. We would check the thermometer and google to compare the indoor and outdoor temperatures. At night I would wait until the outside temp was one degree lower than the indoor temp. Then I would open the window and turn on the box fan to suck in that cool delicious 91 degree weather to alter the climate of our 92 degree room. I hated life more than I hate politics. And anyone that knows me or has had the misfortune of crossing my path while on the campaign trail knows that is saying something.

                                                                                                           

Goodbye Platinum

Goodbye Platinum. May your next fiscal year be filled with happy and wealthy customers. I'm down to my last 30 minutes as a collections agent. It's been really busy the past couple of hours. A lot of people calling in with problems. Someone just called in and started telling me her problem (and boy is it a sticky problem), so I had to stop her and say, "let me be honest with you. Today is my last day and I'm off in an hour." She didn't care. So many people have given her the runaround that I guess she was desperate for someone to help her. She was really nice though. I'd like to take a moment to make a list of the things I liked most about working in collections.

1. The commission check
....
....

....

Wow, it's a pretty short freaking list ain't it! I'm grateful to Celia for getting me this job. It has helped me pay off some debt and learn a little bit about myself. Here is a list of things I learned about myself while working in collections.

1. I'll do anything for money

...

...

...

Wow, another short list. I'm about to have a week off to take care of some personal business and also relax for a spell.

****ALERT**** This is my first time to type "for a spell"****ALERT****

Me and Becca are planning on some fun summer time fun tomorrow. This may include two of the three following activities: Barbeque, Swimming, Clubbing Baby Seals. I can't wait . For your viewing pleasure I have inluded a drawing of the coolest scene imaginable. It's a cyborg ninja pirate riding two raptors like skis through a sea of storm troopers and shooting at a giant bullet proof robot. Also, waldo and white ninja are in there somewhere. Awesome!

If my closet was eBay...

If my home were the internet, and my closet were eBay, this is what I would wear today.



















Total Cost of Outfit= $113.87 + Shipping

The weekend is almost here again. I'm at work and it's 8:00pm. I only have one person left that I can call to collect from. His name is Al and he lives on the west coast. Hopefully he'll pay up. This weekend will be spent getting ready for the grand opening of our house/swanky summer celebration. I'm excited. There's a lot to do. I wonder if I should make a bunch of heart shaped ice. I have the capability, so why not? It's not St. Valentine's Day, but I am of the opinion that love should abound every day of the year, dagnabit.

I just called Al. He didn't answer, so I left a message telling him to call me back. He won't call back. They never call back. I'm still really excited about starting this new job. I'm not even worried about doing something I've never done before. Part of it is the fact that I'll only be interacting with a small, fixed, group of people. No customers to interact with. Just me and the bacteria. I think Becca should change her major to microbiology. That way she could be my lab tech and we can spend all day together. Just us and the bacteria. That would be nice.

Lunar Cycle

I heard it through the grapevine that the moon is supposed to look really pretty tonight. I think I'll take the time to get a good look. Also, Becca and I have made it an entire Lunar Cycle as a married couple. You learn a lot of things after being married for a month. You learn that your partner is/isn't a werewolf. You learn that they do/don't hate you. You learn that they have/haven't a secret imaginary friend named Prince Foopletauser. You learn that they do/don't like full moons. In the case of Becca, she isn't a werewolf, doesn't hate me, hasn't an imaginary friend named Prince Foopletauser, and I'm pretty sure she likes full moons.

In Native American tradition, the full moon in June is referred to as the Strawberry moon. Picking the strawberries by the moonlight in June honors the crops and ensures a good strawberry harvest the next year. In Native Kyle tradition, the full moon in June is referred to as the Swimming Pool moon. Swimming by the moonlight in June honors the water and ensures a nice body and tan for the swimming season next year.

Ode to the Moon - A lovely Poem by Kyle

Crazy all weirded out Moon Man

Why don't you lay off and get out a spoon, man

Drink your Tang like a holiday

And do your thang all the day

Your rays and haze attract the gaze of yesterdays

Guide me through the maze of trays and doughnut glaze

Treat me kind; like a state flower

Please don't pick me for another hour

Crazy all weirded out Moon Man

This song sounds out of tune, man

Microbiology! I am doing it!

The big news is that Paola with Supranaturals called me while I was at work yesterday and offered me a job! I start July 7th with my new title...Microbiologist. I'll be doing testing on their products to make sure there isn't any microbial contamination. It pays a lot more than I was expecting and it's just five minutes further from where I work now! It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it IS a step in the right direction. People always act amazed when they hear I graduated in molecular biology, but I always bomb the follow up question, "What are you doing now?" "umm I'm a collector for a security system company." Now I can say I'm a microbiologist with a real job and real benefits and a real title. I'll even have a lab tech to assist me! I was applying for a lab tech position in Salt Lake, and now I'll have my own lab tech, maybe even two if it gets busy. I'm fooling myself if I think it will be an easy job, but this list of jobs and their stress ranking tells me that "natural scientist" is a pretty good bet if you want low stress. What I do now would probably be considered "customer service/complaint worker". I'm glad to get on the second list. I think Katy should stick with Bookbinding, and Becca should never be an Inner City HS Teacher.

Top 10 Most Stressful Jobs
1. Inner City HS Teacher
2. Police Officer
3. Miner
4. Air Traffic Controller
5. Medical Intern
6. Stockbroker
7. Journalist
8. Customer Service/Complaint Worker
9. Secretary
10. Waiter

Top 10 Least Stressful Jobs

1. Forester

2. Bookbinder

3. Telephone Line Worker

4. Toolmaker

5. Millwright

6. Repairperson

7. Civil Engineer

8. Therapist

9. Natural Scientist

10. Sales Representative

All of these people are just as likely to get ulcers, by the way. Ulcers can be aggravated by stress, but they are caused by the bacterium Helicobactor pylori. ( List and fact taken from the website of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

Kyle's Get Rich Quick Plan

I've been thinking about money a lot today and have decided to dedicate a blog to one of my favorite roots of all evil. Here are some financial tips I've either heard about or made up.

1. Set up a website that directs people to another website that pays you money for referrals. Even better, charge people a fee to join your program and then "pay" them to set up websites that direct people to your website and then direct them instantly to the main website. Soon, you're right in the middle of a low cost, low risk internet pyramid scheme.

2. Sell drugs for a major drug lord. Even better, pay other people to sell the drugs for you. And they can get people to sell drugs for them. Soon, you're right in the middle of a high risk, high cost illegal pyramid scheme.

3. Slip and fall. The trick to this is to always be aware. Always be on the look out for potential hazards in public places. Say you're in the store and you see a wet spot with no wet floor sign. All you need to do is slip and pretend to injure yourself. Have your doctor friend write up a report and then sue the store. Settle for a moderate amount of money, pay the doctor friend and lawyer, and you'll have enough left over for a trip to Costco or a tank of gas.

4. Print Money. As long as you print small bills you can totally get away with it. The only problem is that the paper you'll need to buy in order to make it look like a real bill is actually more expensive than the worth of a real dollar. You can get around this by cutting up a newspaper and depositing the pieces with any blind bank teller wearing gloves.

5. Offer to pay people in gas cards. You would be amazed that gasoline is worth more than money. People would rather have a 5 dollar gas card than 6 dollars cash. Next time you go to a yard sale. Bring a couple 20 dollar gas cards. I'm thinking of buying my first house in gas cards personally. The more expensive gas gets, the more valuable gas cards become, even though the exact opposite is true.

6. Go to Craigslist and look for items in the 'free' section. Go and get them. Then get on eBay and post the same items with the same descriptions only put *RARE* or *ANTIQUE* before them. Those old sneakers and bike tires will sell like hot cakes.

7. Write a book. Publishing and advertising is expensive, and writing takes a lot of work, but there are ways around it. Here's an idea. Write down a few pages of really weird stuff that you think no one in their right mind would want to read. Then print off a few copies from the Internet and leave them in places like obscure coffee shops, gelato shops, and any other shops that only sell one item, but in a lot of varieties. It's essential that it is a shop and not a store. A boutique is even better. A lampshade store is a bad idea, a lampshade shop is a better idea, and a lampshade boutique is the best idea. Soon young weird hipsters will be banging down your door willing to pay wads of cash for "Delirious Dan and his Delightful Doppelganger".

8. Take anything you find on the street. Glue some Googly Eyes on it. Sell it at the flea market.

9. Build up good credit. Get lots of credit cards. Buy everything you would ever want. Leave the country.

10. Go to Vegas and bet everything you have at the roulette table. If you lose...refer to tips 1-9. If you win. Great.

Job Search

I applied for a job in the oncology department at the University of Utah. I would be pretty much curing Leukemia, but it's so far away. Just a little while ago I got an email informing me of another job opening in Springville. I would be counting how many bacteria there are in factory produced goods, but it's so close. Now I have to decide. Do I cure Leukemia, but go to Salt Lake every day, or do I count bacterial colonies and make the short trip to Springville every day? It's like betting on one of these lobsters. Each lobster has his own unique strengths and weaknesses. Look at the gorgeous stance of Ricardo (right) and the intimidating stare of Brent (left). Which won you ask? The answer is....no one knows. All witnesses were killed during the battle. What we learn from this is that you can't wait to see which wins. You have to pick a winner so that if you die, you can assume you were right. That's the secret to living a healthy life. OPTIMISM sauteed in italian seasoned-four cheese IGNORANCE.

I can't wait for it to be the weekend. The free time I've been craving is just around the corner. I can't wait to get a job and assume that it's the best choice while never knowing or caring if the other one could have been better. I can't wait to eat some taquitos tonight. I can't wait to change the world with the wisdom hidden in this blog post.

S-L-O-W

Not Work

I want's some free time! Sure, me and Becca get a little bit of free time, but I want LOTS of free time. Becca found out that in Cedar City they will be performing Cyrano de Bergerac. We're going to get away for a weekend sometime. I don't remember exactly when, but I do know it isn't this weekend, so it isn't soon enough. This weekend will be fun though. We have a lot of shopping we still need to do. Maybe I'll even have time to do a little sewing.

Work

I have been successful as a collector because I found my niche. The problem now is that there is too much competition and everyone is about to take over my niche in order to survive. My competitive spirit screams, "BRING IT ON!!!" It's too bad that my competitive spirit only makes up .00001% of my overall spirit. Even my rodeo spirit is at .00002%. That reminds me that I haven't been to a good rodeo in a while. Anyways, this month isn't going to be a good month for collections. It may be time to seriously consider going to Salt Lake in search of employment. Here are the problems with Salt Lake:

I. It's far away

...A. Gas is Expensive

......1. $4.oo a gallon

......2. It will keep rising

...B. I waste my entire day commuting

......1. I'd rather be chillin' with my wife

......2. I hate traffic

...C. I'd be tripling my contribution to Global Warming

......1. I don't really care about Global Warming

......2. I like it warm

......3. A couple degrees a decade doesn't bother me

......4. I'll invest in a swimsuit manufacturer

II. It's not close

...A. Gas isn't Cheap

......1. $4.00 a gallon

......2. It won't get any lower

...B. I spend less time out of the car

......1. Less time with my wife

......2. I love being out of traffic

...C. Etc...

What do I do? I want to ride a bus to take care of the gas problem, but that just increases the time problem. I should just recruit biotechnology companies to Utah county. I just need to prepare a convincing argument to lure companies from L.A., Boston, Houston, etc..., get them to move out here, work for them for a year, and then convince them to move to San Francisco so me and Becca can live there.

Creative Genius

Why am I not creative? I see things like family photos of E.T. and Michael Jackson and I think, "Why didn't I think of it first?" Of course! Now that I don't have to waste all my brain on school I should be putting it to good use. I could.....put moustaches on E.T. and Michael Jackson for instance. Or I could add Mr. T and Mary Jane from Spiderman. Then I could have two M.J.s a Mr.T and an E.T. Brilliant. You know, if I quit my job, I could concentrate my efforts on the M.J. squared Mr. E.T. moustache industry. I don't have the guts to do it though. I'm just not good at taking risks. I'll have to eventually though. Otherwise, in 20 years me and Becca will still be living in Provo and I'll still be working at Platinum. No Way. If I don't have a good job when Becca graduates we should start a business where we catch lions in Africa and sharks in....the ocean or wherever sharks are. Then we'll teach the lions to swim and the sharks to walk. Then we'll have a reality T.V. show where the Lions and Sharks have to live together in an apartment with Billy Crystal, Pauly Shore, Richard Simmons, and the blond guy from "Wings". It would be a freaking HIT! I just know it. Here is a list of things I will need to be like the creator of this E.T + MJ photo.

-Creative Genius

-A Creative Outlet

-Guts

-A Computer with Windows 95 or better

- A Memory of the 80s

- A Supportive Wife

- Sonicare toothbrushes

Wow! I already have 4 of the 7 things! I just need creative genius, a creative outlet, and guts! That should be easy. A quick trip to Wikihow will give me all the information I need.

Okay I searched for "Creative Genius" and I found "How to be a cute genius"

I searched for "A Creative Outlet" and I found "How to install an electrical outlet from scratch"

I searched for "Guts" and I found "How to make fake guts for a Halloween party"

With these new talents, no Halloween party, electrical outletless wall, or genius beauty competition will be the same again!

Two Tickling Toothbrushes Tuesday

Here is a list of Kyle Vaughns who have been married recently or will be married soon.

Kimberly Pflug and Kyle Vaughn Wedding PA 04/15/06

Kate Dennie and Kyle Vaughn Wedding VA 06/21/08

Natalie Edwardson and Kyle Vaughn Wedding TX 06/17/06

Latasha Kelly and Kyle Vaughn Wedding TX 07/19/07

Hailey Vaughn and Kyle Vaughn Wedding AR 01/03/08

Becca Anderson and Kyle Vaughn Wedding CA 05/17/08

April Sanchez and Kyle Vaughn Wedding CA 06/21/08

I'm one of them!!!!!!!!! Isn't it awesome? I'm happy for Kimberly Pflug. She deserves a last name like Vaughn. I also think it's appropriate that Hailey Vaughn and Kyle Vaughn are getting married in Arkansas. Well, I'm back at work after a wedding and a honeymoon. Married life is great. It's treating me well. Now we do things like brush our teeth at the same time and in the same room. Awesome. We got some Sonicare toothbrushes from Becca's parents and we busted them out last night. I was so excited to use them, but there was one little problem.....The moment we put them in our mouths we spit toothpaste all over the bathroom and nearly died laughing. They tickled sooooo much! It was like putting Carrot Top in your mouth it was so funny. It was also a good bonding moment. We could look into each other's eyes as we laughed and sprayed toothpaste into each other's faces.

Days Till I See My Betrothed: 2 more or less

Yesterday I worked from 8am to 9pm. Today I worked from 8am to 9pm. Tomorrow......I won't make it. I think I'll only work till 4. I don't want to die here in my little cubicle with my headset on surrounded by post-it notes. Not a week before my wedding; not with this scratchy beard. Everything is fuzzy right now. I've talked to so many people with so many problems. I feel kind of like I did as a missionary. It's too bad I can't solve people's financial problems by assigning them scriptures to read in the Book of Mormon. Well, I probably could, but I don't know how well that would go over. Skuffs and Rebekah came over with brownies last night. I was going to save some for Becca, but instead I ate them up.

Days Apart from my Betrothed: 5

Today I set up the TV. It resulted in me getting very little done. I think I invented the most pathetic thing in the world tonight....the act of sitting on the floor alone in a partially furnished apartment watching a chick flick on a Saturday night. I need Becca. Had she been here, I could have done the exact same activity and it would have been perfectly acceptable. A lot more fun too. The best thing of today was having the bed delivered. It'll be nice to have a bed to sleep on tonight. The worst thing of today was finding out that the gas isn't set up and it will take a week to get it set up. That means a week of cold showers, a week of cold nights, and a week of cold food.

You know when you see a panda and then you feel like there are pandas crawling over you all day? Well, the same thing happened to me, only with a bug instead of a panda. I was on the floor watching a chick flick that will remain unnamed. I felt something tickling my neck, reached back, and grabbed one of those Park Place parking lot bugs off of my neck. You know the ones. They're EVERYWHERE! Even here. So now everything feels like one of those disgusting bugs. What I hate about them is that they don't even seem to care how annoying they are. At least spiders will run away and hide. A spider has the motto, "live to annoy another day". A Park Place parking lot bug has the motto, "hmmm....I think I'll crawl on this". Stupid bugs.

Days Apart from my Betrothed: 3

I've been so anxious to move into our new apartment. I woke up early, went to the bank and then wandered around the mall until 2 O'clock when I could finally go to College Park and pick up the key. It was so much fun to open that door and see where Becca and I will be living. I could imagine where we will put the love seat, the TV, the coffee table, the bird cage, the compost heap, the trained walrus. It's going to look great. I moved in some stuff before I left, but there is still a lot to do tonight and tomorrow. Today was really slow at work. It's been hard to get back into the flow of collections. There's another Kyle working here now, so that really throws me off. It messes with my identity. It's so rare that there's another Kyle around. I'm Kyle. I can't wait to fall asleep on our apartment floor. Here's a funny story. I checked our mail and there was a package for Laura DeVore. I thought to myself, "what a coincidence. I know some DeVores." I figured that Brenton's wife must be named Laura or something and DeVore was her maiden name. It turns out that Laura DeVore is the wife of Devin and Darin's brother who lives in a different apartment in our complex. What a small world, eh?

Days Apart from my Betrothed: 2

Last Friday my parents and Becca's parents came to see me dress up in a black robe and a funny hat while I shook hands with people I have never met before. We also ate bread baked onto a stick. Then I sat down in a car with Amanda, Becca, Jared, and Katy. The car took us to Disneyland. That was a pleasant surprise. While at Disneyland, Indiana Jones saved my life three times, I had some delicious chicken on a stick, and someone drew a picture of Becca and Devin DeVore. Then we went to In and Out and went to Uncle David's where I was far too tired and filthy to present myself properly. They were really nice and it was easy to see why Becca likes them so much. Her praises rang true. It would be impossible to write about everything that happened. There were miracles like winning an extra hour at Disneyland and disappointments like standing in line for a broken down Space Mountain. There were joys like sneaking a kiss from Becca when no one was looking on the Peter Pan ride and sadness like saying good-bye to Becca when it was time for her to go home. Now I don't really know what to do myself. I left the apartment where a secret friend is letting me stay, and just wandered around with no place to be and no one to talk to. I'm not a fan of this in between period. I want to get married and start this new chapter of life with Becca. The closest thing I can compare it to is the couple of weeks before my mission. Not knowing what it's going to be like, not knowing really how to prepare for it, just waiting anxiously for it to happen. Marriage is a lot more exciting and a lot longer of a commitment than a mission though.

The Final Final

Tomorrow I will take an exam that will mark the end of an era. No more stress from here on out. I'll be done with school. No more projects, no more exams, no more deciding whether or not I can afford to skip class to go get some Rice King. Now I only have low stress things like moving, getting married, and starting a career to worry about. It's funny, but a homework assignment stresses me out more than getting married and completely changing my way of life forever. I guess one main difference is that I WANT to get married and it's something I'm looking forward to rather than procrastinating and dreading. Also, I know that Becca won't be giving me a grade and judging me. I won't have to check blackboard continually to see if I'm getting a passing grade in Marriage.

Yesterday we had our interview with the stake president. Now all we need is a marriage license and we can get married. We could get one now and elope if we wanted to. We won't....but we could. If we wanted a civil marriage, we could have been married a long time ago. Alan could have gone online to become a minister and we could have performed the ceremony at Del Taco. I'd wear one of those T-shirts that looks like a tuxedo, and Becca would wear an old prom dress. Then we would feed each other tacos and playfully smash them into the other's face. Then everyone would take pictures as the taco grease dripped down our cheeks and chins. Hmmm...of course that sounds nice, but I like how we're doing things better. The reception is going to be awesome. Becca's going to wear a beautiful wedding dress and I'll have a kicking tuxedo complete with ivory suspenders (you won't see them, but I'll have them). I'm grateful that Becca's family is putting everything together and giving us such an awesome wedding. They're working really hard and doing so much to put it all together.